A Small Victory

Yelling with my mouth shut

The birds that seemed so lovely and life-affirming just yesterday are now making me want to decapitate them. Or at least throw rocks at them. The squirrels? I want to shake the tree until they all fall out of the branches, plopping head first onto the ground. Don't even get me started on the screeching seagulls. Yesterday, they reminded me of the beach and tranquility. Today, their screeching is reminiscent of my fourth grade teacher. Must.Kill.Seagulls.

I feel that familiar tightness in my chest and anxiety coursing through my veins. There's this distant anger simmering in my bones and I know where it's coming from and part of me wants to stop it and part of me wants to just let it all go until I find myself on the ledge of a clocktower, rifle in hand.

Maybe when this week is over, I will calm down. Maybe after today's recorder concert and tonight's 6th grade band concert and tomorrow's baseball game and Thursday's basketball game and the pile of work on my desk finally gets down to manageable levels and Natalie gets through the Regents ok and my sister is feeling better and the house is clean and I get some cooperation and. And. And.

I just want a moment. One moment of utter, complete silence. I want the silence to be around me as well as within me. I want the machine that is constantly whirring inside my head to shut down for a moment. I want the birds to stop singing and the cars to stop honking and the cries of I want, I need, immediately, yesterday, to stop for just one moment. I want to close my eyes and not dream of world destruction or people chasing me or death or monsters made out of chinese food. I want to sink into the pillow and bedsheets and wrap myself around the darkness and silence and breathe without struggling. For just one moment. One single moment.

I want the anger and bitterness to dissipate. I want to live without those feelings constantly tickling my brain, reminding me that they are there. I want to let go of things I should have let go of a long time ago, but keep coming back, thrown in my face again and again. I want people to grow up and move on and realize the damage left in their trail. I want them to put a stop to that trail. I want people to stop being self-centered and making life miserable for others just to make themselves feel as if they won some battle that I'm not even playing.

I want peace. I can certainly give myself that peace. I know how. Despite the busy schedule and breakneck pace and moments where I want to kill innocent little birdies, I am at peace with that life. It is only when the selfishness and destructive behavior of others invades that peace that I want to take the rifle to the clocktower. It awakens the bitterness and anger and makes everything in life seem impossible and hard. It destroys what tranquility modern medicine has given me.

Which means he is winning this private little mental war. No matter how many of the small battles I win, he still racks up the points by letting me take his cruelty and insensitivity and making it my own problem. His issues are not my issues, right? They are when they invade my inner sanctum, thank you Miss Therapist.

On with the battle, on with the war. Another day that I will fight the good fight and hope that I can win this battle with my silence.

The small victories, the cankers and medallions. The little nothings, they keep me thinking that some day, I might beat you. But I just keep my mouth shut.

It shouldn't bother me, but it does.