fell on black days
fell on black days
I try to be the best parent I can. Maybe I try too hard sometimes, because there was a time when I didn't try at all. It haunts me and I don't know how to let it go or make up for it.
Asking my husband to leave our house and end our marriage was probably one of the best days of my life. It wasn't hard, it wasn't sad, because I had thought about it and planned it out for years. When he left, that proverbial weight was lifted off my shoulders. My life was beginning again.
I lived off adrenaline for a while after that. I was elated. I was high. I was free. Best of all, I was able to be myself after many, many years of keeping that person in hiding. I didn't eat or sleep for weeks at a time. I lost a ton of weight. It was like being on a drug.
And then it crashed. After the adrenaline wore off, and the giddiness of finally getting rid of the major source of pain and sadness in my life started to fade, the reality of it all hit me. I had failed. I was getting divorced. We had a broken home. I was alone.
It didn't help that the separation was not sitting well with him. He stalked and harassed and screamed and cried. He followed me and threatened me and made me feel like I was doing something horribly wrong to the kids. He used them against me and told them horrible lies. He twisted words and embellished truths.
I started to feel like it was all my fault. Like I could have made it work somehow, even though he didn't try at all. It was my fault he gambled. It was my fault he was mean and nasty and treated me like dirt. I sunk into a downward spiral of shame and humilation and blame. I had failed.
At the same time, the restaurant I was managing closed when the owner decided to retire. So I was home, unemployed, in the process of a divorce, in the process of drowning in my self-pity.
I barely left the house. Hell, I barely left the bedroom. I slept, I cried, I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. The kids spent an awful lot of time at my mother's, often sleeping there several nights in a row. Some days I kept them home from school because I did not have the energy nor the inclination to get them ready. When I did send them to school, their clothes were wrinkled, their lunches full of junk food and their homework not done. It was not a coincidence that it was Natalie's worst year in school ever. It was not a coincidence that DJ developed some intestinal problems at about that time. But I was too stuck in my own dark, depressed world to see or care.
I made myself sick. I missed the combined birthday party I had half heartedly planned for them because I couldn't lift my head up off my pillow. My sisters and my mother took over, becoming like parents to them during this time. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't have my family around.
Gone were the days in the park and the nights at the beach and popcorn and videos in the living room. It was me, me, me and my pity and my sorrow and my bleak, desperate world.
Eventually the fog lifted, my friends and family pulling me out of my depression. I met someone who gave me the gift of love. My life started over again. Second stage, new chapter, etc.
But all the subsequent happiness and family life and great times do not make up for what I did to my children during those months. I carry it around with me daily. I look at them and wonder how much damage I inflicted. How much they remember of those days and how it effects them now. I wonder how that horrible year in 3rd grade will come back to haunt Natalie. Or how much of DJ's change in personality was my fault.
I try to make up for it and sometimes I try too hard. I have probably spoiled them since then. I bought them too many things and took them too many places and smothered them with love so often that it started to freak them out. I want to apologize to them, but I don't think they would understand. I want to tell them I'm sorry for neglecting them and I'm sorry for being selfish and uncaring. I don't know how to make it up to them.
I just hope that the effects of those days aren't too far reaching and all I've done since then can override whatever dark clouds settled in their minds during that time.
As parents, we do the best we can do. That's all anyone asks of us. I failed that part of parenting for a while. I didn't do my best. I did my worst. I probably have never admitted this before to anyone. I don't think I have ever spilled it out in detail or been so open about it. But it's time to admit it, and it's time to own up to it and it's time to figure out how I make that up to them, if I can. How do you get time back?
Comments
You don't need time back. And failure is a loaded perhaps inaccurate term.
Vigilance and awareness of past mistakes are gifts that we take from failure. If you hadn;t learned anything, if you weren't introspective about the past, then I would grant that you failed.
Life comes with problems. The best we can do (some of us) is strive to learn from them. Learning is everything.
If I'm trying to figure out gene regulation of the AIDS virus, and I do a bunch of experiments that don't work (very very common in science), I haven't failed at my task to understand the AIDS virus. I learn from what doesn'r work, and I continue forward unhindered in my dedication to the problem - and stronger from the experience I gained.
And so it is with parenting. To fail is to not learn, to not be aware, and to give up. You haven't met any of those criteria. The future is not set in stone by the past. Your mind and your love are your most powerful allies. The writing above indicates that those are in good stead.
Posted by: chris | April 25, 2002 07:02 AM
By the way, that was another exceptional piece of writing you wrote. You really took me there.
Posted by: chris | April 25, 2002 07:07 AM
there is no need to regret the past nor turn our backs on it. just the fact you KNOW that was a bad time, is enough. I still think you're a cool mom. I didn't say perfect, I said cool. I think 'perfect' moms suck. Their kids wind up paying for a lot more therapy than kids who've seen real life.
Posted by: val | April 25, 2002 08:16 AM
My divorce, which was my idea, was the darkest period of my life. So dark that I didn't actually divorce him for like four years after I left. I couldn't bear it. I got so much gray hair. I drank heavily. I got involved with the wrong woman, who occasionally calls me collect from jail or wherever.
Anyway, I know you are a good and loving mother, and I know your kids know that, although it won't come out of their mouths until they're at least 35.
All we can do in life is take responsibility for our actions. The time is gone. All you can do is say to them [now, and again when they're old enough to really get it] that you know you checked out for a while, leaving them in a bad spot, and that you're sorry.
It sounds as though they had other loving people around them during that time who stepped in, and ya know, kids regress during a divorce. The school performance and the illness probably would have happened anyway.
Posted by: Nancy | April 25, 2002 09:00 AM
if you feel like you need to apologize to them, i'd go ahead and do it. just say you're sorry and then move on. keep it light and try not to dwell. they may not understand right now, but it will make them more likely to bring it up in the future if they need to talk about it...
this has been pseudo-advice from a woman with no children, so feel free to ignore it. hug
Posted by: redsugar | April 25, 2002 10:27 AM
I admire you for your honestly. Your children will realize that whatever happened in the past is the past and that Mom has done what she can to improve the future.
And that is the most important point of all this.
Posted by: Miss Humm | April 25, 2002 02:37 PM
I don't think you'd want to get back the time. Sounds like it was a learning experience (if a sucky one) that made you appreciate everything so much more. You sound like a wonderfully caring mother.
Posted by: Peanut Gallery | April 25, 2002 02:45 PM
i know you didn't write this hoping we'd have the answer for you. in fact, any advice we might offer would be useless, consoling at best.
i know this was part of your clearing process.
however it was compelling, connecting, honest, raw, and wonderful writing. at the very least i was compelled to acknowledge that.
Posted by: aaron | April 25, 2002 03:14 PM
The after turns out to be a long period of ups and downs, and lots of soul searching, doesn't it? It doesn't always feel healthy, but it is, I suspect. Good writing. Good thoughts.
Posted by: eric | April 25, 2002 03:22 PM
I was in the position your children were. It would have helped me if my mom had explained (not apologized) to us what she was going through... why she couldn't really be there emotionally for us after her divorce and why she was angry. Instead, I had to grow up and figure it out for myself. But, until I did, our relationship was very strained and angry.
I say sit your kids down and ask them how they felt during that time and then let them talk about it. Don't make it a sad conversation... just matter of fact. Then you can tell them how you felt in a way that they would understand. eg. "mom was very very sad and felt bad that she and daddy couldn't live together anymore and be happy"
This can help u to become a closer family. Just my opinion.
Posted by: Jen | April 25, 2002 06:48 PM
: nothing to add to these good suggestions, so...hugs :
Posted by: roe | April 25, 2002 07:16 PM
In my mind it is such a risk for you to have shared this. I hope that it was healing for you to do so. I was/am moved by your honesty, and by your incredible commitment to being the best mom possible for your kids.
And I have to agree with what some others here have said: at some point it may indeed by healing for your children to hear you talk about it, and to ask them about how it was for them during that time (although you may have done that already, I shouldn't assume...)
Regardless, you're right, you can't get that time back. Not in the way you were describing, anyway. But I think you can, and I suspect have, helped them heal from it. And now it seems maybe it's time to let yourself do so too?
Posted by: jadedju | April 25, 2002 08:17 PM
Other people have said what I would have... the only thing I have to add is that just because you're a parent does not make you a super-hero, regardless of how much we would all like to be one for our kids. The fact of the matter is is that we are human. We are vulnerable. We get hurt, depressed, and we make mistakes. Being a parent doesn't change that. Admitting it and owning up to the mistakes, however, IS heroic. And in THAT you can teach your children a great deal. {{hugs}}
Posted by: Jennifer | April 25, 2002 09:47 PM
My parents never got a divorce; they're still married now after nearly 35 years. but that of course didn't mean everything was perfect. I remember periods when my mom was very difficult to be around, difficult to talk to, difficult in general. When I was little, I didn't understand. It was only later, when I found out that sometimes she was on anti-depressants and sometimes she wasn't, that I realized what the problem was. I could look back on my life and draw out the periods where she was depressed but trying not to use drugs to combat the problem.
Maybe I was too young to understand when everything was happening, but knowing the truth later gave me a lot of insight into my mother and my own life. She hasn't medicated herself for a while (as far as I know) and she's doing great. And so am I.
Posted by: blue | April 26, 2002 07:39 AM
There is no harm in apologizing to children. But instead of just a blank apology, it might be a good idea to sit with them some time when there are no other stresses, and talk to them about your bad times.
"Remember when daddy and I split up, and there were days when you were sleeping over at grandma's house, and I wasn't feeling well... what did you think about that?"
After they've told you their opinions, assuming they indicate worry or fear, then it's time to tell them how things have changed for the better, and to tell them you're sorry, and to let them know you've always loved them, even when you were too tired to let them know.
Posted by: JEfromCanada | April 26, 2002 01:03 PM
i remember this...
it wasn't exactly the same but, oh, so close...
thank you.
Posted by: ratty | April 27, 2002 06:08 PM
Hey, umm i dont know how to start,but umm iv been threw much adversity for my age im 13, and the changes in my life only made me better. You sound like an amazing mom to me and u put soo much effort into your kids. yet even if they were hurt and arnt old enough to understand adult depression. you can put it into their words and show them how to learn from your mistakes and make sure your there for them when they feel down . buying matirial things isnt love, makeing sure u show u appretiate them is. I wish i had a mom like you to try and learn from ur mistakes and be so open and mature about it . I feel my parents are my children as if i take care of them. even though my family does suffer of depresion. i had to write to u. normally it takes years of threarapy to rehabilatate like this. Dont worry your kids just had a experience of life and they will live. show them the positive side.
sincerly yours , mandy
Posted by: mandy | November 7, 2002 04:23 PM
Hey, umm i dont know how to start,but umm iv been threw much adversity for my age im 13, and the changes in my life only made me better. You sound like an amazing mom to me and u put soo much effort into your kids. yet even if they were hurt and arnt old enough to understand adult depression. you can put it into their words and show them how to learn from your mistakes and make sure your there for them when they feel down . buying matirial things isnt love, makeing sure u show u appretiate them is. I wish i had a mom like you to try and learn from ur mistakes and be so open and mature about it . I feel my parents are my children as if i take care of them. even though my family does suffer of depresion. i had to write to u. normally it takes years of threarapy to rehabilatate like this. Dont worry your kids just had a experience of life and they will live. show them the positive side.
sincerly yours , mandy
Posted by: mandy | November 7, 2002 04:23 PM
Hey, umm i dont know how to start,but umm iv been threw much adversity for my age im 13, and the changes in my life only made me better. You sound like an amazing mom to me and u put soo much effort into your kids. yet even if they were hurt and arnt old enough to understand adult depression. you can put it into their words and show them how to learn from your mistakes and make sure your there for them when they feel down . buying matirial things isnt love, makeing sure u show u appretiate them is. I wish i had a mom like you to try and learn from ur mistakes and be so open and mature about it . I feel my parents are my children as if i take care of them. even though my family does suffer of depresion. i had to write to u. normally it takes years of threarapy to rehabilatate like this. Dont worry your kids just had a experience of life and they will live. show them the positive side.
sincerly yours , mandy
Posted by: mandy | November 7, 2002 04:24 PM
Hey, umm i dont know how to start,but umm iv been threw much adversity for my age im 13, and the changes in my life only made me better. You sound like an amazing mom to me and u put soo much effort into your kids. yet even if they were hurt and arnt old enough to understand adult depression. you can put it into their words and show them how to learn from your mistakes and make sure your there for them when they feel down . buying matirial things isnt love, makeing sure u show u appretiate them is. I wish i had a mom like you to try and learn from ur mistakes and be so open and mature about it . I feel my parents are my children as if i take care of them. even though my family does suffer of depresion. i had to write to u. normally it takes years of threarapy to rehabilatate like this. Dont worry your kids just had a experience of life and they will live. show them the positive side.
sincerly yours , mandy
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