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the wedding party

the wedding party

I'm getting married.

I know I've mentioned this before, but not quite in such definite terms. I'm getting married.

We had talked about an August wedding, most likely for my birthday on the 25th. It would be a very quite thing, with one of the Judges I work for performing the ceremony in his courtroom, and then afterwards we would go out to dinner with my immediate family only. It's not a big deal, really. We have been living together almost three years. The wedding would just be a confirmation of our love, and any legal/binding mumbo jumbo is for the kids' sake. Because stepfather sounds so much better than my mom's boyfriend.

Ok, there's more to it than that. It's all about the love and commitment. But still, neither of us wanted to make a big deal out of it, party wise. I've already done the whole big wedding thing, and we know how that worked out. And Justin would rather have something subdued. Also, my baby sister is getting married next year, and I don't want to step on her toes, so to speak.

So I've been pretty vague about the whole thing. I mentioned it to my other sister once and she insisted that we should have a nice little affair, with food and drinks and a few close relatives. In my family, you can't have a few close relatives at a party. Aunt, uncles and first cousins alone amount to about 100 people. And that's just the relatives that live in the same town as us.

So I'm arguing with my other sister about this. She thinks it calls for a party. I was thinking more like taking the family to Taco Bell afterwards. She thinks we should invite a whole bunch of people. Justin thinks we shouldn't even invite his mother. She's thinking backyard wedding with flowers and a canopy. I'm thinking of using the courtroom where where they arraign murderers and drunk drivers.

I know who is going to win this one. No matter what I say, she will go ahead and plan the whole thing without me. It will be her gift to us. She means well, I know this. But personally, I'd rather not have people at my wedding who have, shall we say, spoken ill of this relationship.

Then again, a party is a party. Maybe if there's enough tequila and the music selection calls for a mosh pit instead of the Electric Slide and I give her a list of some bloggers I want to invite, it won't be so bad. Either way, the end justifies the means. Party or no party, cousins or no cousins, Taco Bell or not, I will be married by the end of the day. That's all that really matters. And I could think of worse ways to spend my 40th birthday.

So, August 25. I turn 40, I get married. I may or may not be dancing on a picnic table in my sister's backyard.

Posted by on April 21, 2002 05:45 AM |

Comments

To me, formal weddings are like funerals: they're not for the people they're about (that is, neither the bride and groom nor the recently deceased), they're for the family and friends of the people they're about. I say go ahead and have your courtroom wedding followed by dinner at Toxic, erm, Taco Bell. If that's what you want, then, dagnabbit, that's what you should have! :)

Then if your sister or whomever continues to nag about it, go ahead and have the lavish party... or don't. That's your decision.

By the way, are y'all registered anywhere? ;)

Posted by: Fredo | April 21, 2002 10:07 AM

Hurray for a date set!

Now. ;) You know I can't resist wedding advice.

Let me just tell you, missy, that if you have food, flowers and a ceremony, all events are about the same amount of hassle, assuming that you will leave out all the stuff I left out, like party favors for guests. Please. So do whichever sort of wedding you really want. Ditto for more people. Fewer guests is just cheaper, not less trouble.

Also ... I don't know. The full-on wedding with an attendant or two and an aisle to walk up did make me feel more married than the time I eloped. Just food for thought.

Congratulations, baby. I'm really happy for you.

Posted by: Nancy | April 21, 2002 10:33 AM

Oh, and ... I'm with you. Anyone who cannot be truly happy for you ... should not be there. We didn't invite some people, and we ended up uninviting a couple and encouraging people who were wavering not to come. And I have no regrets. I loved knowing that everyone there unequivocably wished us the best. XOXOXOX.

Posted by: Nancy | April 21, 2002 10:36 AM

Congrats! All the best.

Posted by: kingFresh | April 21, 2002 10:48 AM

My second time around, we chose a small private wedding chapel. Each of us brought one witness (and my wife-to-be brought her kids). Afterwards, we called our immediate families and announced the marriage to them before inviting them over for a visit. Since we were already married before issuing the invitation to visit us, no-one felt like they were obligated to buy a wedding gift. So there was no pressure.

As far as wedding parties go, if your sisters decided to throw you an after-wedding party, where they took care of the costs and all arrangements, that wouldn't be too bad, would it? It would be like you were invited to a party, but not given the option of saying "no".

Posted by: JEfromCanada | April 21, 2002 10:58 AM

you better be writing yr own vows - I Michele, master supreme blogger, take thee Justin for my eternal sexual pleasure and general ass-monkeying

Posted by: g | April 21, 2002 11:21 AM

Can I be a flowergirl? I promise to get drunk on vodka shooters and do the Dance of the Seven Sporks on a table without my clothes.

Posted by: Bill | April 21, 2002 11:28 AM

Congratulations! That's really wonderful.

Now, my 2cents. Let her do the party. I really think that celebrating the marraige with friends and family (even some that have um, opinions) is important. And like tequila shots, have a sense of ritual and tradition. ok, maybe tequila shots are an important ritual only to me. But I digress... I say do the wedding thing.

Posted by: Christine | April 21, 2002 11:48 AM

that's awesome. i don't have wedding advice since i can barely plan my own (aug 10). i will say this - do what you want. if you really want to have it at the courthouse, do that. you can always through a big party for your closest friends, family and blogger-buddies later. if you want to let your sister plan it because she'll get a bang out of it, why not. but don't let her push you - choose for yourslf. not that you ever let anyone push you into anything.

by the way, if anything says anything about the age difference you can always send them to read this article in salon. the shock factor is huge.

Posted by: blue | April 21, 2002 01:24 PM

I'm sure you don't want wedding advice from a naive 20-year-old gay college student, so I'm just gonna say congrats on setting the date instead. Now you just need to brace yourself for my wedding gift. Oh yes, you do. ;-D

Posted by: Chris | April 21, 2002 01:58 PM

CON-FRREAKIN-GRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAH!

Posted by: Carey | April 21, 2002 02:01 PM

Congratulations. Marriage is a big step, even when it's low key. I wish you all the best, and I think it's a great way to start the best part of your life (after 40).

Why don't you just come to BlogCon 2002 (August 24 & 25) in Vegas and get married by Elvis, with a bunch of drunken bloggers as your witnesses? Then let your sister through you a party when you get home.

Posted by: wKen | April 21, 2002 02:44 PM

Funny you mention this -- I had written up and was just about to post almost the exact same thing on my site.

Yukiko and I plan to get married by the end of the year, and were probably going to go the low-budget, low-thrills route with only the immediate family and a few friends. I have to agree with Fredo -- in my experience, weddings are more for the guests than for the couple. I'd rather save cash on something small and friendly than invite people I barely know to celebrate my marriage to a woman they've never met.

Posted by: Ryan | April 21, 2002 03:09 PM

Whoo -- congratulations! As half of a couple that ditched the formalities and 400+ guest list (I also have about 100 cousins since my Gma alone has 8 brothers and sisters) and ran off with those close to us, my advice is always to do what makes you both happy and comfortable. People will just have to respect your wishes -- you can't live their wedding fantasies for them. Best wishes to the two of you!

Posted by: robyn | April 21, 2002 04:11 PM

Congrats! I was married September 30th. Ryan and Yuki can attest. 'Tis good.

I gotta tell ya, there was much family headache, and in the end I almost wish we just ran off to Bermuda or something. But, looking back, it was worth it, despite some of the aggravations I had with a certain person's mother. looks over shoulder, nervously...

Posted by: Anonymous | April 21, 2002 05:56 PM

Congratulations, mother to us all.
Let us know if you're registered anywhere. Even poor, gay naive 20yearolds wanna send you a little lovin' and finally have a good non-stalker reason to do so.

Posted by: James | April 21, 2002 06:33 PM

Hey, sounds like a great time for me to get drunk and disorderly in New York.

Posted by: melly | April 21, 2002 11:47 PM

I read the old link. That's just about the right age difference. You'll still wear him out and bury him, but he'll have a great time trying to keep up with you.

Posted by: Eeksy-Peeksy | April 22, 2002 01:46 AM

I remember growing up that a lot of people seem shocked by my mom being (a mere) five years older than my father. (Pshaw.) And I know Adam had issues with his parents and some friends back when he was dating his old girlfriend who was eleven years older than he was. But like you say, age is just a blurry number. I know I feel very much as I did when I was 21 or 19 and I don't feel that will change much as I get older.

Congrats though. I remember seeing references to getting married once or twice but I guess this is the big announcement. Have fun dancing on that picnic table. And do whatever you like for the wedding. Throw the parties how you like them. Eat your Taco Bell.

Posted by: Pfish | April 22, 2002 02:12 AM

Oh Man, can I ever relate. We just want to go away, have a civil ceramony at a registry office, and spend 10 grand on a trip rather than on your average small time wedding fiasco. I guess if someone else was footing the bill, maybe we'd consider something. But my mother fully expects a big wedding AND that we pay for it ourselves, all because she - one person we know- wants to "see us get married" and it will "break her heart" if she doesn't. We told her we don't want a wedding, but it falls on deaf ears. I mean, I just don't get it. Why does someone else's happiness depend on how you choose to make your arrangement legal?
I just want to go to Oxford, sign the paper, then maybe have Anne Elizabeth take a few pictures before we take her and D out to dinner. Is that so bad? Is my Mum going to fly to the UK so she can stand in the office and witness this signing? I don't know . . .it sucks.

Posted by: Charles | April 22, 2002 02:25 AM

hurrah :)

Posted by: shauny | April 22, 2002 08:00 AM

I say definitely let sis do it. This way you have someone to blame later if anything goes wrong. heehee

Posted by: Nikki | April 22, 2002 09:06 AM

Wow! Congrats!

Posted by: minadreads | April 22, 2002 12:03 PM

Congratulations!!! I'm so happy for you, Michele.

Posted by: Keith | April 22, 2002 12:04 PM

Congratulations. Tell your relative to....er, nevermind. My brother rented city hall, had his two witnesses and no one else. He had one witness do digital photography, one do digital camcorder thingie, and the son of the witness held a Super 8 recorder. Within 3 days of the end fo the honeymoon, all of the footage was on a website for viewing. They promised a party/reception for their first anniversary and then let everyone forget about. Which is one way to get off scott free.

Posted by: Peanut Gallery | April 22, 2002 02:35 PM

Hooray! My brother's wedding party was a lot of fun... but it was an enchanting spot and had a lot of planning behind it. You can always sneak off to the Bell if it gets boring. :)

Posted by: Jon | April 22, 2002 03:25 PM

Ahhh--any excuse to dance on a backyard picnic table!
Congratulations!

Posted by: Vex | April 22, 2002 05:44 PM

having gone through the hellish motions of a wedding-for-others in the recent past, i vote for sticking to your guns. go to city hall, woman. it's your life.

oh, and i finally called my grandfather. just wanted to let you know.

congrats! :)

Posted by: portia | April 22, 2002 07:33 PM

Congratulations! :-)

Posted by: Candi | April 23, 2002 10:11 AM

Congrats! It's my first visit here, but I'm happy for you, and in reading your earlier entry regarding your age difference, what you describe between you and Justin is very similar to me and my bf (he is also quite a few years younger than me). It makes me feel good knowing that i'm not the only one out there!

The only wedding advice I have is to do whatever makes you and Justin happy. : )

Posted by: ladybug | April 23, 2002 08:25 PM

I've been on vacation and having computer problems, so forgive me for not telling you sooner - congratulations!

Posted by: Kymberlie R. McGuire | May 2, 2002 12:43 AM