altered states
altered states
It's been a little over a month since I started taking Paxil.
I went into this with no expectations except negative ones. I thought I would have to sacrifice certain parts of me in order to make the bad parts go away. I was afraid to lose my edge, or my ability to form creative thoughts. I was afraid of becoming a zombie. An anxiety free zombie. What a trade-off.
Now, a month and a week later, I've passed those hurdles. At first I was zoned out, I felt stoned all the time and I had a multitude of side effects. The most disturbing thing was I felt complacent. But, like many people told me, that phase passed. And here I am.
I am free of anxiety attacks. No more sitting on my couch or in my car gasping for air and thinking that I am going to die on the spot.
I no longer wake up at night choking, thinking my throat has closed up, unable to breathe. I sleep soundly. I sleep better and longer. I still have wicked dreams and nightmares, but that's ok.
I no longer live my life in a rush. Observations from other people: I walk slower. I take my time. I talk slower. I have more patience. I don't lose my temper as often. I'm not as quick to be argumentive or defensive.
My passive/aggressive behavior is gone. I don't pick fights and then cry that people are always fighting with me. I don't cry at the drop of a hat. I don't prolong arguments or engage in screaming matches for no reason.
I don't feel the need to drive like a maniac. I'm not in that big of a rush anymore. I don't curse at other drivers or cut people off in my infinite need to get anywhere as quickly as possible.
I don't worry as much. Before, I worried about everything, including worrying. I am not constantly in a state of panic. I don't become frantic over every little thing. The world is not going to end because I can't find the cover to the soda. I know that now.
I can make decisions. Instead of contemplating every single possible tangent and outcome and eventuality when faced with a decision, I just make it. I no longer stand in the bread aisle at the supermarket for twenty minutes while debating whole wheat vs. white. The kids come to me with a question or request and I am no longer wishy-washy. I make a decision and I stick to it. I follow through on things. I complete my work one project at a time without feeling the need to do 50 things at once.
The side effects have waned. I no longer feel like I'm in a trance. As a matter of fact, I feel more alive than I have in years. The aches and pains I felt at first are gone. The urge to sleep all day and night is finally abating. The only thing left is the jaw clenching, but I'll deal with that. It's a good trade-off.
I like to think that I still have my edge, though it's somewhat refined now. I like to think that I am still creative, that I can still form coherent thoughts and put them into words. I like to think that I'm still snarky or funny at times and that I haven't mellowed enough to be complacent. I like to think that this site hasn't changed much, that my rants and writing are still what they were before March 12, but without so much simmering anger and bitterness. While those traits may have made for good posts, they were poisoning my soul.
Things are different now, but the world around me is still the same. I'll always have something to be angry or bitter about. I just won't let it consume me anymore.
Yes, things have changed. I like it.
Comments
Sounds like Paxil has been a very good thing for you, and sounds lke it might help lots of people. If I could find somethign that would keep me less worried, more focused, and less distracted - I'd certainly give it a try.
The only thing I noticed about your site that's different is fewer posts on average. Otherwise the fire and victory are still there.
Posted by: chris | April 19, 2002 06:16 AM
good. hugs
Posted by: shel | April 19, 2002 07:18 AM
that's awesome. my doctor put me on klonapin, but I'm terrified to take it. the side effects seem horrible, but the anxiety is just as bad. ick.
I'm glad the paxil worked for you. hug
Posted by: erika | April 19, 2002 08:41 AM
There's this truck we'd like you to drive across the border from Mexico... feel up to the job?
Posted by: D | April 19, 2002 08:56 AM
As a person who went through all of felt the same pharmacological fears(oooh aliteration in the morning) as you last year, I would like to say I am really glad to hear that it's working out for you.
Posted by: gord | April 19, 2002 09:08 AM
I TOLD YOU SO!
Always wanted to say that! But I did!
Glad to hear it's working, Michele.
Posted by: Carey | April 19, 2002 09:16 AM
I'm so happy it's brought you some peace. It took me a long time and a lovely visit to the ER to convince me that medication was the way to go, but I'm so glad I did. I'm really happy for you.
Posted by: Nancy | April 19, 2002 10:59 AM
I'm glad that it works for you. It has for me too. It isn't a cure-all to life's problems, but it helps make them more managable.
Posted by: wKen | April 19, 2002 11:11 AM
my mom started taking paxil while i was living in london. she didn't tell me she was taking it, but when i spoke to her on the phone, it was like talking to a completely different person. it doesn't make you perma-grin, which is what i thought. it makes you back into the person you were before the seratonin imbalance started. i'm so glad it's working for you!
Posted by: redsugar | April 19, 2002 12:03 PM
i'm so glad to hear that you've adjusted to it well. your writing is still as brilliant as ever too. =)
Posted by: kat | April 19, 2002 12:06 PM
sister, i'm so glad to read this. i still can't slow down sometimes. i'm envious that you are able to keep track of all of the positive effects that this has had on you. it's been so long for me that it's hard to wrap my head around it and see it in a not so abstract way. you slay me. you inspire me. when i grow up i wanna be just like you.
Posted by: miss bazima | April 19, 2002 12:42 PM
I'm really glad to hear that it's working out for you and that you like it.
Posted by: Candi | April 19, 2002 01:35 PM
just plain awesome. After making my life easier thru modern chemistry - I'm am glad you've been able to do the same with very positive results. Good for you for being brave enough to try it!
Posted by: val | April 19, 2002 01:39 PM
What can I add??? I'm so happy for you.
Posted by: JEfromCanada | April 19, 2002 03:48 PM
that's great to hear! And I think you're pretty snarky... =)
Posted by: Christine | April 19, 2002 03:49 PM
Paxil is nice. When I took it I never knew what time of the month it was. Surprise!
Posted by: Peanut Gallery | April 19, 2002 05:07 PM
Oh, the best side effect is NO PMS!!!
Posted by: michele | April 19, 2002 05:36 PM
damn. no pms? maybe i need to up the dosage.
Posted by: miss bazima | April 19, 2002 07:28 PM
congratulations... amazing.
Posted by: blue | April 20, 2002 12:04 AM
Just started taking paxil today. Also on Klonopin. Had a bad two weeks on Wellbutrin and Effexor. Totally went off the deep end. Scared the bejesus out of me. Hope this works...am very weary of the anxiety and depression that has taken over my life....or what's left of it.
Posted by: Ruth | October 28, 2002 05:24 PM
Check this Cool Sites
---------------------------------
Vivid DVD - Vivid Porn - Vivid Girls - Vivid Entertainment - Vivid Girl - Vivid Video - Sexo - Sexo Gratis - Fotos de Sexo - Sexo Duro - Huge Big Tits - Black Bros White Hoes - Traci Lord - Jill Kelly - Kendra Jade - Amber Lynn - Nude Pictures - Ass Porn - Barely Legal
Toni Freeland - Monster Cock - Online Casino - Sexo Anal - Ginger Lynn - Adult DVD - Cheap DVD - AdultChatNetwork - Online Poker - Sexo Gratis - Sex Porn - Porn Star - Sex Movie - Aria Giovanni - Tawnee Stone - Danni Ashe
Thanks For Your Support
Posted by: Sex Porn | November 5, 2003 03:46 AM
Sorry, forgot to send this sites too.
Gay Male Porn - Chasey Lain - Internet Casino - Online Casino - Alley Bagget - Evidence Eliminator - Adult Movie - Drew Barrymore - Adriana Sage - Hustler Magazine - Teen Steam - Sexo Interracial - Sexo Oral - Asian Porn - Big Tit - Kara Adult Playground - Porn Video
Adult Video - Free Sex - Brittany Andrew - Kobe Tai - Fat Woman - Sexo Gay - Nikki Tyler - Jenna Jameson - Silvia Saint - Petra Verkaik - Hustler - Adult Chat Network - Amateur Porn - Anal Porn - Black Woman - Adele Stephens - Alexus Winston
Posted by: Transvestite | November 5, 2003 03:47 AM
fat nude bbw teen large teen plump sexy buxom babes bbw sex bbw wives plump ladies free plump porn bbw pussy bbw tgp plump free movies buxom beauties bbw models sexe obese plump anal sex plumper buxom babes plumper babe fat bitch naked obese bbw mpegs bbw nude fat obese big plump ass plump girl plump pussies spike bbw hairy plumper large woman free black bbw obese sexual positions buxom woman plump big tits asian bbw bbw fat bbw bondage obese teen big buxom bbw picpost plump chicks bbw femdom free plump xxx obese women plump bbw forum plumper porn free bbw hardcore mercedes bbw bbw tits plump mpegs plump amateurs bbw top 100 bbw phone bbw porn obese girl obese chicks fat nude free plump porn plump ladies buxom babes bbw finder fat girls free samantha bbw plump ladies buxom candy nude plumper plump women obese naked men bbw plump bbw galleries young plump girls plump chicks plump cuties large baby buxom boobs
Posted by: obese nudes | November 6, 2004 09:56 AM
celebrity cruises lynn porn star mature porn star blonde porn star porn star escort devon porn star star porn german porn star celebrity ass porn star finder chinese porn star celebrity upskirt uk porn star sex porn star hardcore trinity porn star porn star celeste indian porn star be a porn star ex porn star porn star trinity porn star porn star biography best porn star porn star escorts celebrity adult adult porn star celebrity upskirts porn star janine snl celebrity jeopardy porn star listings porn star free porn star list porn star escorts free celebrity xxx italian porn star young porn star porn star interview porn star sierra raylene porn star celebrity nude scenes porn star news julian porn star teen porn star celebrity pussy guage porn star porn star biography porn star free pics porn star directory porn star tgp porn star bio bella donna porn star star wars porn celebrity movie porn star health survivor porn star porn star thumbnails celebrity adult big tit porn star celebrity hot celebrity fake nude porn star sex celebrity ass porn star dee big tit porn star hardcore celebrity celebrity upskirt uk porn celebrity celebrity gossip porn star pics your porn star name porn star thumbs ex porn star celebrity foot survivor porn star porn star
Posted by: jeremy porn star | November 6, 2004 11:11 PM
fucked up movies musica hardcore real fuck fuck her gently lyrics brianna banks fucked boys being fucked boob fuck fucked mom fuck jpg hardcore sex stories grandma fuck kids fuck gagged fucked fuck slut hardcore mature porno hardcore gagged fucked fucked from behind fuck pictures hardcore sex pics young girl fucked hardcore 4 hardcore movies he fucked me fuck photo hardcore 4 hardcore fucking wild hardcore fucked movies fucked mom fuck the system lyrics babe fuck free hardcore porn fuck clip fuck men free fuck videos anal hardcore boob fuck fucked my ass free hardcore mpegs fuck wav ultra hardcore gagged fucked punk hardcore bum fuck butt fucked lopez fuck daily hardcore i fucked your boyfriend fuck video clips young girl fuck fucked boy extreme hardcore hardcore 4 u women get fucked woman getting fucked i want to fuck you hardcore picture tit fuck 2 fuck fucked from behind free hardcore sex hardcore anime spears fuck he fucked me suck fuck saint hardcore fucked girl fuck slut mature hardcore lopez fuck fuck authority lyrics big tits fuck hardcore pictures hardcore pic
Posted by: fuck this | November 7, 2004 10:31 PM
sexy video chat live chat webcam home web cam live links chat peekshows chat live online chat internet video chat web cam photos video game chats chat with video web cam movies adult video chat www free adult video chat net web cam live chat web cam xxx free adult video chat net live voice chat live chat with girls live chat uk web cam nude erotic live chat free xxx live chat live sex chat cam chat room video adult web cam community video chat sexo live chat sex video chat server web cam girls web sex cam web cam teen video chat messenger direct live video chat web cam amsterdam chat and video uk live chat site web cam hot web cam free web cam girls live chat cams free live porn chat live chat amsterdam free adult web cam city web cam live chat with girls adult chat video live chatting web cam voyeur adult web cam community web cam server free adult video chat net live chat girls web cam community free teen web cam erotic live chat adult chat video live chat free web cam pics live sex chat girl talk video web cam viewing video chat communities peekshows live chat web cam x sexchat live free web cam chats free live nude video chat live girls chat video chatting live chat girls video chat sexy live chatroom peekshow live chat web cam fun web cam sexo
Posted by: web cam porno gratis | November 9, 2004 06:39 PM
Personal Injury lawyers cases relate to injuries incurred through the negligence or irresponsible behavior of another individual organization or business. A personal injury lawyer, the injured individual may recover civil damages. If you have been injured by use of product, in a mesothelioma, car accident lawyer, as a result of your employment or through some other act of negligence, you have suffered a personal injury. We are a wrongful death lawyer service designed to help accident victims find lawyers; personal injury lawyers will review your mesothelioma lawyers, wrongful death, personal injury settlements, medical malpractice lawyers, trucking accidents, boating accidents and workplace injuries. The first question you should ask yourself is if you can handle the problem without hiring a california lawyers. If the problem can be handled without the advice of lawyers, then you can usually find the right forms online.
Alabama Lawyers
Alaska Lawyers
Arizona Lawyers
Arkansas Lawyers
California Lawyers
Colorado Lawyers
Connecticut Lawyers
Delaware Lawyers
Florida Lawyers
Georgia Lawyers
Hawaii Lawyers
Idaho Lawyers
Illinois Lawyers
Indiana Lawyers
Iowa Lawyers
Kansas Lawyers
Kentucky Lawyers
Louisiana Lawyers
Maine Lawyers
Maryland Lawyers
Massachusetts Lawyers
Michigan Lawyers
Minnesota Lawyers
Mississippi Lawyers
Missouri Lawyers
Montana Lawyers
Nebraska Lawyers
Nevada Lawyers
New Hampshire Lawyers
New Jersey Lawyers
New Mexico Lawyers
New York Lawyers
North Carolina Lawyers
North Dakota Lawyers
Ohio Lawyers
Oklahoma Lawyers
Oregon Lawyers
Pennsylvania Lawyers
Rhode Island Lawyers
South Carolina Lawyers
South Dakota Lawyers
Tennessee Lawyers
Texas Lawyers
Utah Lawyers
Vermont Lawyers
Virginia Lawyers
Washington Lawyers
Washington, D.C. Lawyers
West Virginia Lawyers
Wisconsin Lawyers
Wyoming Lawyers
Posted by: Lawyers | November 10, 2004 04:58 AM
forbidden fucking forbidden sex family taboo stories ilegal net taboo language ilegal movies taboo cinema taboo erotic stories taboo stories free end at taboo ilegal facials super taboo fotos sexo ilegal manga taboo taboo uk taboo games fotos sexo ilegal taboo sex stories taboo sex stories fotos sexo ilegal ilegal videos taboo world sexo ilegal taboo resort free family taboo taboo golf club taboo show taboo atlanta end at taboo taboo tickets taboo mom prohibited porn taboo adult taboo adult incesto ilegal histoires taboo smut taboo taboo mpg ilegal pictures taboo thumbs taboo top insest taboo taboo family taboo london ilegal sex free insest taboo taboo cartoon free ilegal taboo atlanta incest taboo chat room ilegal fotos taboo sister taboo mother son www taboo com ilegal pictures taboo pics incest taboo grrl forbidden tgp forum taboo taboo hentai manga super taboo comix taboo 2 dvd incest ilegal manga taboo forbidden erotic stories free taboo incest mother taboo taboo tabou forbidden fucking the venue taboo taboo sex story taboo movies ilegal com super taboo download dark taboo com
Posted by: incest taboo free | November 14, 2004 07:23 PM