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story time: a (true )fart story

story time: a (true )fart story

I'm in the public bathroom at the credit union. There's a woman in the stall next to me and she's making some really strange noises. Now, I have farts on my mind lately, because I am reading Stephen King's Dreamcatcher and there's a whole lot about farting in this book so far. Evil farting, borne of aliens and anal probes. And the sound coming from the stall next to me sounds much like I imagined the characters in the book would sound.

She's got expensive leather shoes on and stockings with a seam running up the back. Her purse is on the floor, some designer logo I don't recognize attached to it. She's a sharp-dressed, well-off woman, I can tell that much. And she's farting up a storm.

I sit there trying to think of how to react. Because I really have to react, out of courtesy. I mean, she knows I'm in there, right? So she's probably pretty embarassed. She's going to wait for me to leave the stall, wash my hands and exit out of the bathroom before she dares to even stand up. I feel bad for her. I want to make her feel less embarassed.

So I think, ok....I can do one of two things. I can hightail it out of there, so she doesn't have to face me. But what if she heads over to the food court right behind me and I recognize those Italian shoes and she recognizes my platform heels and she turns red with shame as she realizes I am telling everyone on the food line about the flatulent woman in the high heeled shoes I just encountered? The other thing I can do is fart. If I let one out, she'll feel less alone in her shame, maybe we will both giggle a little, come out and wash our hands and burst into full fledged laughter and walk to the food court together, making fart noises with our hands.

Unfortunately for her, I am not a male, nor have I had any beer recently, so I can't fart on demand. I contemplate faking one, but I think with the music her flatulence makes, she would recognize a fake one right away. Then she would think I was making fun of her.

She lets out another, a long, windy fart that is probably vibrating the toilet seat. She moans and gasps with what I assume is relief. And I do the only thing I can. I laugh. I can't help it. I am suddenly overcome with the sense of humor of a 9 year old boy and I giggle and practically snort. I know she hears me because she responds by letting out another one, with gusto. I opt for the quick getaway at that point because it is really starting to reek in there.

I meet my sister in the food court, watching the feet of all the expensive looking women that stroll in, keeping an eye out for those Italian shoes. She never materializes, but if she did, I just wanted to tell her that she might want to skip the bean soup.

Comments

Great fart story! Really gave me a laugh, which I was in desprate need of. I just wanted to say, reading what you said about your anxiety attacks was like reading exactly how I feel. It actually brought tears to my eyes that someone else understands....right down to the insomnia and the over-analyzing what triggers it when nothing is obviously wrong and wishing I could turn off that part of my brain. Funny we have the same name, spelled the same! Anyway, before I ramble on I hope the Paxil works or you. Zoloft and Serafem both have not for me. I was a little afraid of the side effects of Paxil. Let me know if it helps and if you exprience any side effcts. I want to feel like I'm semi-normal again! :) Thanks for sharing your experience.

...uh.

Not to wreck the party -- because I crack up at farts, too (Cartman's anal probe!) -- but if she moaned and gasped then it was probably with pain, not relief. I'd wonder if she had either of these diseases: http://www.ccfa.org/medcentral/library/basic/facts1.htm.

Just getting that in there, yo.

I think she just had saurkraut for lunch.

yeah right -a s if you can't fart on demand - i bet justin would tell us otherwise.

I had a friend from Georgia who reached the age of 23 before he realized that women are capable of farting. I was cycling across the country with him, and we met up with some women who weren't afraid to let one rip. The look on his face and the ensuing conversation were priceless. Until that time he thought only men did it. I guess the southern bells he'd been exposed to didn't ring in public.

This cracked me up!! Too funny!

I had to get up to grab a kleenex because I couldn't see the damn monitor to finish reading the story. I don't think I've laughed out loud that hard in ... oh, at least a week. Thanks my dear.

And Chris, being southern myself I can attest to the fact that southern belles do NOT fart, poot, pass gas, or any of the above.

it's like i never left the frat house.

Since this was posted on Wednesday, I at first thought it was written by guest-poster D, which made it even funnier.

These are the reasons I avoid public restrooms like the plague! LOL Because I also die laughing whenever I hear some old lady whipping one off.

Okay, Michele, you completely beat out my fart story by a landslide... or a mudslide, take your pick.

No, no Fredo. Cat farts are in a completely different class from human farts. Your story was great.

Well, I grew up in South Georgia, and if he had been in my 2nd grade class, he would have known that girls can indeed fart. In the middle of a quiet study period, I let one rip that made the walls vibrate. Even the teacher had to wipe a tear from her eye from laughing so hard at my indiscretion. I have no shame.

Great experience wish I were there

I think the woman that was in the stall was too shy to let her farts out in public, and that's the reason why she chose to do it on the toilet. The princesses who think farting in public is for pigs, are ignorant. When I get the urge to let my air turds go, I'm going to push it out right where I stand, sit or lie. I am a women whose proud to be a loud public farter.

I have a story...., whoe, I just farted. I have a story for you. I was out at a night club with my highly flatulent party animal friends. We were having the time of our lives. We danced with many guys and dranked some beers. I had to go to the restroom to take a piss. As I was squatting over the toilet pissing away and farting, a woman walked into the stall next to mine. she farted loud and said "Excuse me" I told her "Don't apologize, it's a natural thing." I finished my piss and pushed out a turd, it plopped into the toilet as a fart came behind it. I wiped about three times and flushed. She came out of her stall, as I came out of mine. We talked a bit, as we washed our hands. She told me she was raised to say excuse me for everything from yawning, to caughing, to sneezing, to even pissing in public places. I thought that last one was a wee bit strange. I told her my family was open to all bodily functions. I told her my family raised me the same way, but I chose to be my own person, and let go of my bodily noises where ever I am. She told me I had guts, and that she could never do such a thing. We laughed and became friends. All that night we talked, she got wind of me pretty quick. When I had to fart, I raised my butt cheeks and let it rip; so did my friends. She just laughed and enjoyed our company.