I've had six anxiety attacks today. They're probably the worst attacks I have had in a long time. I barely get them at all anymore, but the last two days have been full of them. It's gotten to the point where the thought of having one brings one on, and then when it starts, I get that "oh my god i'm dying" feeling, I think I'm having a heart attack or my throat is closing up or my lungs aren't working and that of course makes the anxiety worse which makes the whole thing actually physical instead of just mental.
I don't know why they have returned with such a vengeance. I don't know what has been different the last two days, what is present in my life that is causing my brain such distress. I've been reading and flipping channels all day just to keep my mind occupied. I'm exhausted from the latest phase of insomnia yet I'm afraid to try to sleep because I am tired of the anxiety surfacing in my dreams, and of waking up gasping for air. I'm pretty much doomed any way you look at it.
It may be time to listen to what I've been told, to heed the advice of my doctor and look into some anxiety medication. I've put it off this long because I am afraid it will lessen me somehow. I'm afraid that once I take it I will no longer be me. I don't want that. But I don't want this, either.
If I knew what was causing the stress I could eliminate it. If I knew what has made the last two days so overwhelming for my mind that it's making me nearly crazy, I would eliminate it. For the first time, I cannot put my finger on what is causing my attacks. Maybe it is a combination of a lot of little things that when held up alone look like tiny little specks, but when all rolled up together make a giant ball of fret. Maybe I'm worrying about worrying.
I wish I had shut-down mode. I wish I could just turn off the part of my brain that thinks beyond thinking; the part that deals with the what-ifs and why-nots and how-comes, the part that takes every tiny rip in the fabric of the entire universe and makes it my problem. I wish I could sleep. I wish I had answers for myself.
Yea, I'm done now. Everyone playing their violins for me?