high anxiety
high anxiety
I've had six anxiety attacks today. They're probably the worst attacks I have had in a long time. I barely get them at all anymore, but the last two days have been full of them. It's gotten to the point where the thought of having one brings one on, and then when it starts, I get that "oh my god i'm dying" feeling, I think I'm having a heart attack or my throat is closing up or my lungs aren't working and that of course makes the anxiety worse which makes the whole thing actually physical instead of just mental.
I don't know why they have returned with such a vengeance. I don't know what has been different the last two days, what is present in my life that is causing my brain such distress. I've been reading and flipping channels all day just to keep my mind occupied. I'm exhausted from the latest phase of insomnia yet I'm afraid to try to sleep because I am tired of the anxiety surfacing in my dreams, and of waking up gasping for air. I'm pretty much doomed any way you look at it.
It may be time to listen to what I've been told, to heed the advice of my doctor and look into some anxiety medication. I've put it off this long because I am afraid it will lessen me somehow. I'm afraid that once I take it I will no longer be me. I don't want that. But I don't want this, either.
If I knew what was causing the stress I could eliminate it. If I knew what has made the last two days so overwhelming for my mind that it's making me nearly crazy, I would eliminate it. For the first time, I cannot put my finger on what is causing my attacks. Maybe it is a combination of a lot of little things that when held up alone look like tiny little specks, but when all rolled up together make a giant ball of fret. Maybe I'm worrying about worrying.
I wish I had shut-down mode. I wish I could just turn off the part of my brain that thinks beyond thinking; the part that deals with the what-ifs and why-nots and how-comes, the part that takes every tiny rip in the fabric of the entire universe and makes it my problem. I wish I could sleep. I wish I had answers for myself.
Yea, I'm done now. Everyone playing their violins for me?
Comments
I know what you are feeling in the anxiety attacks. And I deeply empathize with your fear of meds affecting your functioning. I struggled with the problem (and generally succeeded) with talk therapy, altho when faced with a stressful medical situation I broke down and briefly took Xanax to get through it. And then got off the meds asap. My dreams used to be so threatening. You have my utmost empathy.
Posted by: sue | March 10, 2002 07:28 PM
Being someone from the deep, rural South where medication like this is taboo, I fought with it for months and months. Nothing anyone can say really makes much difference, but I am going to say it anyway.
You (maybe not you, but the general populous) take medication for the flu, for asthma, for headaches - etc. All these medications do is allow the body an extra "oomph", if you will, to go ahead and do it's job.
Yeah, you might have read the horror stories, as they are out there. I've heard them too. Given that I am a medically-proven (as well as psychologically proven) hypochondriac, that tripled my fears.
I finally decided I needed a break. I got to the point I could no longer pinpoint the reasoning behind my extreme panic attacks. I was stuck at home for months, only able to work for one or two hours in my office per week. I met a kind doctor who explained how they work, and what they do in regards to brain chemistry. Yes, they do alter it, but in a positive way. You do not lose who you are, you gain what is lacking (not necessarily forever, either) chemical-wise, allowing your mind the freedom to cognitively reason the source of the attacks.
It gives you almost, per sé, a "break" from the attacks for as long as you need. YOU control the dosage. I started on Paxil at a mere 10 milligrams at first. Paxil is targeted more toward panic-sufferers, whereas Zoloft or Welbutrin aims at depression, and by diffrentiating dosages CAN be targeted to stop panic.
Either way, you work with a doctor or psychologist you TRUST until you find a dosage that allows you to cognitively reason your way out of the attack. I can still have an attack, as I keep myself dosed low, but the Paxil gives me enough time to reason it away. It's all up to you how you dose yourself.
Some people, like me, have chemical imbalances. Nonetheless I COULD still stop the paxil, as the brain can be taught to reverse its own chemicals with others through cognitive therapy.
In short, none of Michele is lost. Michele just gains the neccessary chemicals she needs to arrest the panic and allow for reasoning to take over.
Again, I know how little words from others help. Nonetheless, I felt the need to share my experience.
Posted by: Carey | March 10, 2002 09:20 PM
Ditto to Carey's comments. I have been taking Paxil and Welbutrin for about a year now, and I am still the same sarcastic ass I've always been. I just don't sink into irrational fits of anxiety that would paralyze me. Drugs are not a quick fix, but with other therapies can be effective. A good doctor along with the support of family and friends can change your life for the better. What are you waiting for, sweetie?
Posted by: wken | March 10, 2002 10:51 PM
Most of what I wanted to say has already been said. :) But in short: if the medicine really changes you too much, there are others, and lesser dosages. It shouldn't have to affect you that much. Both I and my husband are taking anti-depressants (aren't we just the anti-depressant family! LOL!) With mine, I was totally fine... nothing changed except I wasn't depressed anymore (well, at least not so severly like I had been). He had to adjust his, and when he took it. He was a zombie for the first few days when he started, but he worked with the dr. and changed the dosage, and timing... now it's like nothing. I think our society as a whole still needs some "growing up" to do about accepting depression, anxiety disorders, etc. It should be like any other thing - a virus, an infection... it's treatable, and there are treatments available. People are so worried about seeking help, myself included. It shouldn't be that way....
Posted by: Jennifer | March 10, 2002 11:31 PM
Just to chime in...geez, no, you have nothing to be anxious about -- only that %$#@ reading program you put together all by yourself, and what's going on with your ex/kids thing, and seeing your kids grow up (a good thing, but still inately anxiety-producing) and so on and so forth...
Crikey, hon, I don't know how you do it. Seriously. And if there's a shot that taking something might help chill you out a little, not take away your "you-ness" but give your head (and your heart rate) some breathing space, then I'd say go for it. It's a big decision. I'm thinking about it myself. Jury's still out for me.
Hang in there, either case...
Posted by: roe | March 10, 2002 11:47 PM
anything i might have had to say has been said, so i'll just say i hope you feel better and leave it at that.
there have been wonderful advances in medicine for this sort of thing.
Posted by: kd | March 11, 2002 12:12 AM
As kd said, just about anything I might've said has been said already. But I will say that I completely understand what you mean about wanting an on/off switch for your brain -- for a long while over these past several months, I had insomnia because as soon as I lay down in bed and closed my eyes, my mind would jump to warp speed and I wouldn't be able to sleep. I finally broke down and started taking Ambien to help me sleep, because I had to. If I didn't, I literally would've gone crazy.
Either way, I was lucky in that I had friends who took me out on a regular basis and got me really fucked up to the point where everything just seemed funny and hazy. That was my brain's off switch.
Posted by: Keith | March 11, 2002 12:59 AM
Michele
I suffer from an anxiety disorder and chemical imbalance and ADHD. Yes, one could say I'm a basket case, but they still let me handle sharp objects and high power rifles. In my case it is hereditary. My whole family is fucked up. I have been on Prozac and I would rather slit my wrists than ever take it again. I have been on zoloft and it didn't do dick for me. Paxil has been the drug of choice for the last 5 years (way before it was trendy). I would have to recommend Paxil at a lower dose for what you are going through. Panic attacks are a bitch to deal with. No, the drug is not the sole solution, but coupled with some good counseling its a wonderful. The side affects are less than be desired for the first two weeks, but you will live while your body adjusts to the increased seritonin. You will have more energy than you know what to do with, but it all evens out in the long run. Contrary to popular belief you do not loose your sense of humor nor do you become a slave to the pill. For me there is a definite difference when I don't take my happy pills. Trust me. If you would like a testimonial on that fact, just ask Led (I would hope you remember his URL.)
Posted by: ds | March 11, 2002 01:11 AM
Could you go dancing with friends? A walk in the woods? And maybe take a day or two off this blog thingy?
Posted by: Eeksy-Peeksy | March 11, 2002 01:13 AM
Anxiety sucks.
Good luck with it Michele.
Posted by: Chad | March 11, 2002 04:33 AM
Thanks, everyone. This is basically what I was hopoing for when I posted. I just needed a little testimonial from the masses to point me in the right direction. I'll be calling the dr. today.
Posted by: michele | March 11, 2002 05:03 AM
If its any consolation, I spent all of yesterday crying in a total snap freakout. Triggered by known things (terrible set of anniversaries) and unknowns, also. Just crying, couldn't even get up to feed Asha - a call to my therapist helped, and I never thought I'd have to do or be saying such a thing. Maybe it might help you too.
Posted by: Laura | March 11, 2002 05:51 AM
It is a consolation. It always helps to know that you are not the only one sitting at home, wondering why you are crying or unable to breathe or feeling like you can't leave the house. Misery does love company, in a strange way. Because it makes you feel more "normal" to know that there are probably more people who know how feel than don't know how you feel. It's less scary.'
Gordon brought up a good point to me yesterday and when Laura said "anniversary" it triggered that thought again...I probably was reacting to not just the stress going on in my life at the moment, but the proliferation of 9/11 related stuff on the television the past few days. I don't think I've quite gotten over it or moved on or whatever other words people are throwing at me in regards to that day and watching all these programs probably triggered all the anxiety I was feeling six months ago that, in all likelihood, was just laying in my brain waiting to be let out.
There I go self-analyzing again.
Posted by: michele | March 11, 2002 06:06 AM
You're probably just pregnant again...
Breathe woman! Damnit! Breathe!
Posted by: D | March 11, 2002 09:39 AM
Yes, D. I am pregnant with your space monkey. Expect a little basket of happiness on your doorstep in a few months. Bananas included.
Posted by: michele | March 11, 2002 10:09 AM
Good luck with the doc.
Posted by: Candi | March 11, 2002 10:48 AM
I want a space monkey in a basket, too.
Posted by: wKen | March 11, 2002 11:23 AM
Hey, I can only shoot out one of these every couple of months. Get in line.
Posted by: michele | March 11, 2002 11:26 AM
michele -- i guess you know by now that there are lots of us out here who think you are great and want you to be happy. of course it's mostly selfish because we really just want to see your blog updated on an hourly basis. :)
i've been depressed (clinically) and have experimented with pretty much every SSRI (prozac-like) drug there is. i think everyone's experience with drugs is different - and you will look at your options and make your choices and try things and hopefully something will work for you, and soon! for me, i think the drugs helped me during extreme periods of insanity, but in the long-term, i decided that i didn't want to be on them. some people are very much affected. not that they lose their personalities, but they just feel differently. some people just feel like they're taking vitamins, except the dark clouds are gone. it's totally different for everyone.
i just hope you find something that works for you. i understand that feeling -- of not wanting to try the drugs because they might change you -- but whatever happens when you take them is totally reversable. if you try them and hate them, you can stop taking them, and within days things are back to the way they were.
Posted by: portia | March 11, 2002 02:34 PM
My friend has anxiety attacks and takes half a Xanax when they get bad. She has a full-on personality. You would love her, actually. I would have been afraid of addiction with anti-anxiety drugs, but my friend has a VERY addictive personality and has not had that problem with Xanax. She just takes it as a last resort.
I fought taking anti-depressants for years over some kind of feeling that I "should" be able to pull myself out of it without drugs. But the more we learn, the more we find that these things are biochemical in origin, if aggravated by stressors.
If you take something, and you don't feel like yourself, switch to something else or go back off.
What I have found is that I'm more myself than ever on medication because the depression isn't eating me alive all the time. It made more room for my personality, not less.
Love you.
Posted by: Nancy | March 11, 2002 05:50 PM
i felt like a big failure when i got some help so i understand your anxiety. thinking of ya, michele.
Posted by: shauny | March 12, 2002 06:19 PM
Not for anxiety per se, but I've tried Zoloft and didn't like it. I've been trying St. John's Wort, and I still don't know if it really helps.
Posted by: Jon | March 15, 2002 04:45 PM
Check this Cool Sites
---------------------------------
Vivid DVD - Vivid Porn - Vivid Girls - Vivid Entertainment - Vivid Girl - Vivid Video - Sexo - Sexo Gratis - Fotos de Sexo - Sexo Duro - Huge Big Tits - Black Bros White Hoes - Traci Lord - Jill Kelly - Kendra Jade - Amber Lynn - Nude Pictures - Ass Porn - Barely Legal
Toni Freeland - Monster Cock - Online Casino - Sexo Anal - Ginger Lynn - Adult DVD - Cheap DVD - AdultChatNetwork - Online Poker - Sexo Gratis - Sex Porn - Porn Star - Sex Movie - Aria Giovanni - Tawnee Stone - Danni Ashe
Thanks For Your Support
Posted by: Sex Porn | November 5, 2003 03:33 AM
Sorry, forgot to send this sites too.
Gay Male Porn - Chasey Lain - Internet Casino - Online Casino - Alley Bagget - Evidence Eliminator - Adult Movie - Drew Barrymore - Adriana Sage - Hustler Magazine - Teen Steam - Sexo Interracial - Sexo Oral - Asian Porn - Big Tit - Kara Adult Playground - Porn Video
Adult Video - Free Sex - Brittany Andrew - Kobe Tai - Fat Woman - Sexo Gay - Nikki Tyler - Jenna Jameson - Silvia Saint - Petra Verkaik - Hustler - Adult Chat Network - Amateur Porn - Anal Porn - Black Woman - Adele Stephens - Alexus Winston
Posted by: Transvestite | November 5, 2003 03:35 AM
free plump pussy pics plump nude girls big black plump plump woman fat plumper jarla bbw bbw canada buxom wife plump rumps bbw post bbw picpost obese pussy bbw videos mature bbw fat milk plump butt bbw femdom bbw bhm plump butt free plump spikes bbw bbw wrestling old bbw bbw women obese statistics bbw butt fat women pictures fat flush diet bbw sex pics plump black big woman lip plump saturated fat plump pussy buxom ladies obese tits www big n plump com bbw photos plump rumps large pussy bbw texas plump naked women supersize bbw free nude bbw buxom candy buxom bondage high fat diet plump pic post plump black women bbw pictures plump bbw forum plump movie bbw bdsm bbw plump bbw phone xxx bbw free bbw porn free black bbw buxom boobs natural large plump mature buxom woman www big n plump com ebony bbw black bbw fat movies bbw movie obese dating buxom bondage free plump ladies cisco board bbw mrs s bbw plump nude women fat suit bbw free gallery
Posted by: fat plump | November 6, 2004 09:18 AM
porn star interviews free celebrity nude celebrity pussy sarah young porn star porn star thumbnails star wars porn serenity porn star porn star biography celeste porn star porn star obsession black porn star british porn star dead porn star porn star candy best porn star porn star depot stevens porn star porn star photo porn star t shirts porn star pic adult porn star porn star tgp porn star escort porn star listing porn star pics porn star listings rocco porn star porn star chloe celebrity pics porn star directory porn star gallery kelly porn star japanese porn star porn star nude italian porn star porn star biography charlie porn star mature porn star chinese porn star savannah porn star savannah porn star free celebrity nude celebrity hot celebrity pics free celebrity xxx latin porn star top porn star indian porn star porn star pic celebrity sex videos candy samples porn star want to be a porn star porn star name porn star pics celebrity ass ron jeremy porn star jeremy porn star japanese porn star porn star interview porn star gallery porn star listing porn star sierra porn star listings porn star gauge celebrity photos porn star video porn star lists korean porn star top porn star sarah young porn star porn star charlie candy samples porn star sierra porn star oops celebrity porn star biographies
Posted by: celebrity hardcore | November 6, 2004 10:31 PM
pussy getting fucked boy fucked hardcore videos fuck clip hardcore pictures double fuck hardcore xxx max hardcore crazy fucked up hardcore thumbs he fucked me tera patrick hardcore woman getting fucked hardcore tgp fuck photo animal hardcore disney fuck machine fucked boys getting fucked fuck authority lyrics free fuck movies nude hardcore bound fucked teen fuck hardcore 4 u hardcore mpegs fuck photo hardcore pics hardcore pornstars happy hardcore hardcore pussy fuck cum machine fuck free hardcore series free mature hardcore jameson hardcore tit hardcore fuck shit models fucked anal fucked fuck anal self fuck granny fucked fuck flix hardcore junky links mother i d like to fuck hardcore pornstar women getting fucked hardcore gratis who wants to fuck fucked grannies hardcore mpeg banks hardcore fucked pussy grandma fuck hardcore music lets fuck latinas getting fucked fuck authority lyrics fucked to death hardcore lyrics hardcore hentai fuck pictures she fucked her beach fuck hardcore series young boys fucked hardcore porn dawn mckenzie hardcore hardcore movie forum fuck asian fuck mpegs jameson hardcore hardcore mature spears fuck
Posted by: hardcore mp3 | November 7, 2004 09:52 PM
free video chat sexy video chat web cam live chat live chat video girls live chat web cam movies web cam online nude live chat web cam server live webcam chat webcam web cam web cam girls video game chats video chat sexy live webchat chats webcams free live sex web cam video chat sexo live chat com video chatting video chat porno erotic live chat sex chat video webcams chats free web cam porn live web cam peekshows live chat sex live chat live chat sex live chatting world web cam live chat sex webcams chats video chat software chats webcams web cam venezia video chat communities adult chat video web cam photos live talk radio cam live chat live chat de free live nude video chat web cam for free sex live chat video chat sexo free video chat cams chat web cam movies live cam chat xxx live chat victoria web cam web cam chat live sex chat video chat rooms live chat with girls free chat video free live chat web cam server streaming chat web cam's video chat software xxx video chat chat cams web cam x free adult video chat net web cam x web cam gallery video chat for mac live video chat cams chat live sex talk home web cam yahoo video chat cam live chat
Posted by: web cam chat sites | November 9, 2004 05:59 PM
free taboo incest taboo country incest taboo forum ilegal videos ilegal porn ilegal hentai taboo movies porno taboo free super taboo manga smut taboo porn forbidden pic incest taboo chat german ilegal pics taboo mother free taboo incest the game taboo taboo mother taboo cartoon taboo incest stories smut taboo black taboo video insest taboo taboo world fotos ilegal sexo taboo magazine super taboo extrem taboo trailer taboo adult free taboo porn ilegal tgp taboo hentai manga ilegal pics super taboo incest oriental taboo forbidden rape super taboo series ilegal porn ilegal porn sites taboo adult video taboo night club taboo erotic stories black taboo taboo country taboo show super taboo taboo top taboo 2 dvd taboo theatre mother son incest taboo free family taboo incest ilegal forbidden stories free taboo board game taboo fotos ilegal sexo taboo junior smut taboo porn taboo uk free super taboo manga ilegal facials fotos ilegal sexo ilegal com taboo london stories incest taboo super taboo incest ilegal facials forbidden erotic stories forbidden pic taboo fiction fotos ilegal sexo free taboo family sex taboo taboo golf club forbidden east mother son incest taboo
Posted by: teen taboo | November 14, 2004 06:39 PM