« tidbits 3.08 | Main | fly the friendly skies »

color coded for your safety

color coded for your safety

Upgraded threat alert system expected soon. And...you ready for this? It's going to be color coded! So not only will you be alerted to imminent terrorist attacks but you can color coordinate your outfit to match!

And I know you, you're the impatient type. You're also worried. You want this sytem in place now. It gets confusing with all these unclear warnings every other week. Don't you worry. I'm here to help. You need not bother waiting for the Office of Homeland Security to unveil their new plan. I obtained some highly classified secret documents this morning, and I will unveil the plan for you.

Level 1: Green Alert: "There is a threat of imminent terrorists attacks. We do not know where or when or how or who, we just know that it's been two weeks since we last announced something so we thought we would keep you on your toes." Instructions: Fix up those "wanted: dead or alive" posters hanging on your bulletin boards at work. They're looking shabby.

Level 2: Blue Alert: "Ok, we think there is an imminent terrorist attack coming. We can pinpoint it down to a major structure someone in the United States, possibly a tall building or a crowded sports stadium. It may happen some time in the next two months." Instructions: Go about your every day business as if we weren't making announcements that are causing you anxiety. Have a drink with dinner tonight. Put a new flag outside your front door. Sing God Bless America. Relax.

Level 3: Red Alert: "We have good word from a really reliable source that we can't name that an attack is imminent. It may happen this week, or maybe next week. But it's gonna be big. It will be a bridge or tunnel or airport or maybe a school or shopping mall and it will be in the midwest or possibly the south with a 20% chance it will be in the Northeast. If not, then it will be California. But it's coming. I swear, they would not make this up. They have nukes!" Instructions: Be vigilant. Keep an eye out for strange people. Report directly to Joel Schumacher if you see anything strange, because he will know what to do. Say the pledge three times every day for good luck. Buy canned goods. Act normal, everyone!

Level 4: Yellow Alert: "Jesus Christ, did you see that? How did we not know this was coming? We will give you further reports from the safety of our underground bunker." Instructions: You're on your own, kids.

So now you don't have to wait for the official announcement. I thought the colors were a nice touch.

(Once again, this post has been brought to you by Insomnia)


I would really appreciate a black or charcoal-grey alert as that would save me a lot of trouble in the wardrobe department.

The black alert is really a moot point. You're dead by then.


i knew you were working with cheney

Maybe we can even bring back duck and cover drills for nostalgia's sake!

Haha! This whole thing reminds me of the boy who cried wolf. If something does happen, we're all screwed, because we'll all be sitting around going, "Another alert. Blah blah whatever."

Why don't we just get government installed alert detectors like they have in Star Trek. That way while we're eating dinner they can start flashing and wooping when things happen. That would surely extinguish the flumux ;-)

That is too funny! What's scary, though, is you're probably not far off target.

Hello. If you are owner of this site, delete this message, please.