jenna bush, dick cheney and free t shirts
keeping tally on the war, starring Jenna Bush and Dick Cheney
or: 48 hours without sleep, please forgive me.
So how is the war on terrorism going? Does anyone know? Is there any form of measurement we can use to see how far we've come? Someone needs to make one of those tally bars, like they have at blood drives or school fund raisers. We could make a giant measured stick or something, put it outside the White House, and fill in the notches with colored magic markers each time the war progresses a bit. Then we could post little signs along the way:
Over 200 terrorists caught!
The War on Terrorism has reached 4 feet! Free McDonald's for everyone!
Camp X-Ray reaches capacity! That's another 3 inches towards the final goal!
There could be weekly raffles, where everyone puts their name in a big barrel and Ashcroft comes out of the White House, possibly on Friday afternoons, and he draws a name from the barrel and that person gets a free "Don't let the terrorists win: support your local mall" t-shirt. Or a free subscription to Moral Majority magazine. Maybe once in a while there could be entertainment. Ashcroft could sing or Rumsfeld can just make one of his speeches where his face gets really animated. That's always funny.
This could all be done on live tv, I would say C-Span 2, and then the public could really get a feel for where this war on terrorism is going. Like, last week we were at only 3 feet but this week the stick is marked off at 8 feet! Way to go, America! Measurements could be made many ways. For instance, how many new prisoners are brought into Camp X-Ray each week, or how many times a bomb actually hits it target or how many leaflets and hundred dollar bills are caught by the citizens of Afghanistan. Also, points can be tallied by counting the tattered American flags waving from foreign cars. If we can get those foreign car buying commies to put flags on their automobiles, then we are winning the war on terrorism! Yee ha!
Of course, if Bin Laden isn't found (dead or alive, like those posters that came with your newspaper in September say) then the war really can't be won. So part of the festivities each Friday can be a Bin Laden watch, where Cheney speculates on the whereabouts of the head terrorist, and puts little pins on a map where he thinks Ol Dirty Laden may be. Then he invites members of Congress to get up and put their own pins on the map, and when Bin Laden is found, the person who had the pin closest to his hiding spot wins a "I won the war on terrorism" t-shirt.
So each week, the tally bar moves up a bit, and there's singing and dancing and entertainment by the Bush twins (possibly beer chugging contests) and a big rush of confetti and propaganda fliers are released when the tally moves up a bit.
This will be good for Americans. It will give a boost to the morale of the country to know exactly where we stand in this war. Visual aids always go a long way towards making people understand what's going on. The tally bar can become a bit of a tourist attraction too, and that in turn will pour money into the economy, and that in turn will help keep the terrorists from winning, and that in turn will raise the notches on the tally bar an inch or two. It's a win-win situation!
So. How is the war on terrorism going?