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jenna bush, dick cheney and free t shirts

keeping tally on the war, starring Jenna Bush and Dick Cheney
or: 48 hours without sleep, please forgive me.

So how is the war on terrorism going? Does anyone know? Is there any form of measurement we can use to see how far we've come? Someone needs to make one of those tally bars, like they have at blood drives or school fund raisers. We could make a giant measured stick or something, put it outside the White House, and fill in the notches with colored magic markers each time the war progresses a bit. Then we could post little signs along the way:

Over 200 terrorists caught!
The War on Terrorism has reached 4 feet! Free McDonald's for everyone!
Camp X-Ray reaches capacity! That's another 3 inches towards the final goal!

There could be weekly raffles, where everyone puts their name in a big barrel and Ashcroft comes out of the White House, possibly on Friday afternoons, and he draws a name from the barrel and that person gets a free "Don't let the terrorists win: support your local mall" t-shirt. Or a free subscription to Moral Majority magazine. Maybe once in a while there could be entertainment. Ashcroft could sing or Rumsfeld can just make one of his speeches where his face gets really animated. That's always funny.

This could all be done on live tv, I would say C-Span 2, and then the public could really get a feel for where this war on terrorism is going. Like, last week we were at only 3 feet but this week the stick is marked off at 8 feet! Way to go, America! Measurements could be made many ways. For instance, how many new prisoners are brought into Camp X-Ray each week, or how many times a bomb actually hits it target or how many leaflets and hundred dollar bills are caught by the citizens of Afghanistan. Also, points can be tallied by counting the tattered American flags waving from foreign cars. If we can get those foreign car buying commies to put flags on their automobiles, then we are winning the war on terrorism! Yee ha!

Of course, if Bin Laden isn't found (dead or alive, like those posters that came with your newspaper in September say) then the war really can't be won. So part of the festivities each Friday can be a Bin Laden watch, where Cheney speculates on the whereabouts of the head terrorist, and puts little pins on a map where he thinks Ol Dirty Laden may be. Then he invites members of Congress to get up and put their own pins on the map, and when Bin Laden is found, the person who had the pin closest to his hiding spot wins a "I won the war on terrorism" t-shirt.

So each week, the tally bar moves up a bit, and there's singing and dancing and entertainment by the Bush twins (possibly beer chugging contests) and a big rush of confetti and propaganda fliers are released when the tally moves up a bit.

This will be good for Americans. It will give a boost to the morale of the country to know exactly where we stand in this war. Visual aids always go a long way towards making people understand what's going on. The tally bar can become a bit of a tourist attraction too, and that in turn will pour money into the economy, and that in turn will help keep the terrorists from winning, and that in turn will raise the notches on the tally bar an inch or two. It's a win-win situation!

So. How is the war on terrorism going?

Comments

[ping]

The war on terrorism is going wonderfully, if you're a rich white male American. If you're an unarmed Afghan civilian, it's not so great.

Highwater mark: We had drug sniffing dogs on BART here for a while. 'Cause terroritsts are public transit riding stoners, dontcha know.

Oh, but see the thing here is, if there was such a progress bar, there would have to be some definable goal and consequently an (at least theoretically) attainable end to this 'war'. But if you never say what your actual goal is, you can have your war for as long as you want! And it's hard being a profiteer if you have to start new wars all the time. Better to just have one and keep it going indefinitely.

Yes, just keep it going indefinitely. But change partners occasionally. Oh, wait, doesn't that sound like...? Hmm. Slipped right down the old memory hole!

Now it's more than a lifestyle, it's a way of life!

Very funny concept if you really meant it as a joke. But I doubt you did. Therefore, if you really want to know how the "War on Terrorism" is going, pull your head out of your ass.

There's a war? I thought it was more of a press junket, myself.

You know what I love? When people leave smart assed comments but don't leave a name or email address.

Come on back and make yourself known, asswipe. Tell us all how the war on terrorism is going. I'm dying to know. I'll even pull my head out of my ass just for you.

you know yr planis fine except for one thing - cheney would have to emrge from his safe yet undisclosed location - that could be problematic...

and the war is going fine - i saw on tv last night how the us had them fighter jets makaing sure one of them planes with funny looking ayrab ppl on them landed safely..that was sweet.

This would be so fucking funny, if it weren't so fucking sad.

Asswipe needs to get a fucking clue. It's called satire, fucker.

(Yes, I'm feeling sassy today.)

the war won't be over until at LEAST re-election time. and remember, if you don't vote republican, the terrorists win!

hm... i think every comment i've made here since the super bowl has had that same ending. i gotta come up w/ a new schtick.

For the American who catches the most terrorists....A weekend pass to Coaster Kingdom! Now get out there, and catch those terrorists!

aww, at least from a foreign perspective (being from down under), the war or terrorism gives us a chance to see monkey-boy dubya doing his "we have to stop the bad men" routines and gives 252 million americans (i could use the term dumbasses) the opportunity to learn some geography.

regarding "The War" on terrorists/parents/druglords/gangs/rednecks/militia/protestors/liberals/middle east/et.al. prizes for coming, paying attention (sic), Nike should sponsor the war effort soon. it will be good to see the nike brand in afghanistan, making all those millions of afghani refugees do something except usurp UN resources, and get them to produce footwear. its a perfect sell for nike, the labour is free, they have a real market with 25 million newly-governed people with no stigma of years of advertising, they NEED footwear in their terrain, it's time to sell the real meaning of america.

capitalism. and wage slavery. mmmmm hmmm.

I can't wait to see the first afghani starbucks coffee house.

Most of you fucking tards, who are leaving comments like, geeee I wonder how the war is going need to get a fucking clue and pull your heads out of your asses. Those of you who are not Americans, need to go back to your daily routine of raping and selling your sisters and mind your own fucking business. Because when it come to you sad asses needing help your the first pussies to drop to your knees like the helpless whores that you are, and beg the U.S to bale you out.
The effort takes alot of time and no thanks to you fucking whining fags it will be over when it is over. Now go suck another dick or fuck your sisters.

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