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I'll spork your eyes out

read my crack story at bad sam: next gen. yea, crack. not that kind.

I'll spork your eyes out

Phone call last night. It was Natalie's friend's mother.

"Can Annie come over tomorrow?"

Warning sign number one. Twelve year old girls generally do not have their mother make "play dates" for them.

Well, we are busy in the late afternoon, I tell her.

"Ok, how about the morning, then?"

I think, morning. She must mean mid morning, and that's fine, I suppose. I tell her ok.

"OK, so 8:30 is good?"

Warning sign number two. No one makes arrangements for their kids to get together at 8:30 in the morning.

I mumble something under my breath.

"Oh, good I'll drop her off at 8:30 then. And Natalie's party is at 7, right?"

Sirens go off. I hear bells and whistles. Danger, Will Robinson! She's going to ask for Annie to spend the whole entire day here, up until the party. I say yes, the party is at 7.

"So then....."

I cut her off. I tell her we have plans in the afternoon and she will have to pick up Annie by noon.

"Oh, I was hoping....hmm. What are your plans?"

No. Annie is not coming with us. Frankly, I don't like Annie. She's pushy and shovey and in your face. I tell the mom we are going out with some friends to celebrate our kids' collective birthdays. And that if she wants I will drop Annie off at noon. And then we will see her again at 7 at the party.

"Oh well. I guess I'll just have to find someone else to take Annie at noon. I won't be home until 5. (big dramatic sigh) I guess I'll have to come home from lunch and get her and drop her off somewhere else."

Yes, you will. Because if you wanted me to babysit, you should have just come right out and said it. And because you knew well in advance you would be working. You didn't think of finding someone to watch Annie sooner?

I hang up with her, feeling like I was just made out to be the bad guy. Even though her daughter is coming over at 8:30 on a day where my kids had the chance to sleep in.

Annie arrives this morning at 8:20. She walks around the house. Opens the fridge. Takes off her coat and throws it on the floor. Kicks off her shoes and asks what's for breakfast.

"Geez, your house is a mess," she says. I tell her it's 8:30. I haven't had a chance to clean yet.

"Well those look like last night's dinner dishes to me," she says. I smile politely and clench my teeth. My eyes are saying "you are so dead you little bastard," while my voice is actually defending myself to a twelve year old snob.

It's going to be a long couple of hours. It's going to take all of my strength not to gouge Annie's eyes out with a spork. Would that be rude of me, to blind someone's child while I am babysitting them? I think that under the circumstances.....

Comments

who cares if you're rude - spork the bitch i say

I remember this kind of kid when I was babysitting as a teen. I always took off the "nice babysitter" face and told them in plain, non-obscene language that they were rude little fuckers and I wasn't going to be taking any shit from them so they could drop it right there.
It actually worked sometimes.

Dude, next time someone does this, tell them they'll have to call ME and ask ME if their hellspawn can come to your house. I'll be TICKLED FUSCHIA to give them an answer.

Goddamned presumptuous ninny.

Exquisite use of keeping one's internal (and external) boundaries in tact! Way to go, Michele. For what it's worth, I'm extremely proud of you for the way you handled this girl's mom.

If you don't actually spork her eyes out, at least threaten to once or twice. Sounds like the little child needs a little fear in her life now and again.

This girl is an univited guest in your house and should be gracious. She is also a twelve year old girl, and therefore, very likely an idiot who has not been raised very well. You, as the adult in the situation, have every right to clearly and politely inform her that her actions and words are rude, and that is not how we behave in this house, no matter what the rules are in her house. You are free to tell her that she may either comply with them (at which point you have to reward her good behavior by being nice and polite), or she is free to not comply with your rules, and then she may promptly call her mother and be picked up. You have EVERY right to do this. You are NOT her friend. You do not have to be liked, by Annie, by Annie's mother, or even (temporarily) by your daughter. You are The Grown Up.

Now go spork some ass! Whee.

Pushy little strumpet.
Tell her that "around here, we don't serve breakfast. You're old enough to make it yourself. And since the dinner dishes are so offensive to you, I can show you where the dishwasher is."

Isn't it amazing how some people are already ruined by age 12?

Spork her.

Ya know, next time she calls, say right up front that you charge for babysitting. Or spork the mom and you won't have to deal with her anymore!!!

take 'em both out. because if you only spork the kid, the mother could still spawn a new beast.

My wife is a counselor. Some people are already ruined by age five or six. It's fuckin' scary.

I cannot imagine dissing someone else's mom when I was that age. Or now.

I think you're too busy for Annie to come over anymore. Really busy.

::jillmatrix wants to upload the file spork.exe::

I vote spork.

Last year while playing ball with my cousins, two girls ages 7 and 10, the ball flew off into the backyard of a neighbor. We went aroung the block to to retrieve it. The neighbors - two young adult professionals with two kids under the age of ten, let us into their house to get to the backyard to find the ball.

The house was beautifully remodelled, but there were clothes flung everywhere and a lot of stuff out of place. I found it interesting and couldn't care less, but as we were walking out, one of my cousins asked me, "Chris, why is their house so messy?" For a split second I thought I was going to die of embarassment until I realized the parents weren't in earshot (I hoped). I told her they were probably really busy and hadn't had a chance to clean their house.

As we reached the street I started cracking up at the lack of filtering that young kids exhibit. Like when I innocently asked my 1st grade teacher why her teeth were all yellow. She told me she drank coffee and smoked (which was true). My parents, who also drank coffee and smoked then, just about died when I told them and went on to ask how come their teeth weren't yellow.

It sounds like Annie is old enough to know better though. I like witty retorts (like James's comments) - though I don't imagine pushy twelve year olds respond well to much (at least on the outside).

The spork won. This post will be deleted to destroy incriminating evidence.

You never heard the name Annie.

You never heard me say spork.

That lump in my backyard is just some buried treasure.

Smack that bitch up! :) He He! Adhere to ALL warning signs -- mother seems a tad slim shady mixed with Stepford...I smell cult here.

If you don't sport her, the terrorists win.

How can she dump her shoes and coat on the floor and then make remarks about the house being a mess?

Interesting how alike the mother and daughter seem to be. Next time they ask something like this, all you have to do is say you're going to opening weekend at the nudist resort for the day before the party - but she's welcome to join you in the natural lifestyle. Or perhaps say you're spending the day at a Dianetics retreat, adding "Are you familiar with Scientology?" The key is to tailor your answer to something that will make sure they won't send their kid over. For instance, in my cae - if I had kids and you said "we're spending the day at the church bible-study retreat" - well you would never be asked to babysit again.
Actually my first thought when I read that was after she remarked how messy your house was, you needed to say "Yes! And it was so nice of your mother to offer to have you come over and help me clean up!" I would have had the little bitch in a smock with a rag and a bottle of Windex - putting her to work.

Love the other comments! NO WAY do you need someone like this creature (or the fossil who spawned it) in your life!

Yes. Yes. YES..... Give this robot a cloth, point it in the direction of the kitchen sink/dishwasher whatever +++ GIVE YOUR orders....

Charge the fossil for babysitting ++ for educational rehabilitation of it's offspring......

to answer your question, yes, it is rude blind someone's child while babysitting. however, you're not technically babysitting. you are free from any gaffes.

Aren't kids, sporkable or non, supposed to be maturing faster these days? Why does a child that age need a sitter? I was sitting for other people's kids at 11 and 12.

while i can't condone sporking a child, i can and will endorse sporking the child's Mama. go to it, SporkGirl.

spork, what spork?

I can assure any dederal investigators that I spent the entire day scouting out shooting positions at local water towers and clock towers. Babysitting my ass? What resposnible person would leave their children in the care of Michele, officer - I mean really, how cruel do the FBI think AMericans are?

Oooh love Charles’ idee re: “by the way, your mother hired you out this morning.”

Am almost hoping that her mother tries this trick again, so we can all read about it afterwards.... Go Team Spork!

spork 'em! spork 'em both! I remember when my daughter was that age & I'd get those kind of requests from other parents. I'd either tell them I charge $50 a day to babysit, or I'd answer the door when they'd drop the kid off in my boxers...both work like a charm.

You're all right, of course.

First thing tomorrow, the mother gets it.

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