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got to be a chocolate jesus

got to be a chocolate jesus

It was Easter time last year when the idea hit. I had been listening to Bill Hicks and he was ranting about Easter and how the modern symbols of this religious holiday (bunnies, chocolate) don't really speak the meaning of the holiday.

So, being the sacrilgeous atheist that I am, I began devising a plan to bring Easter and chocolaty goodness together in a way that made more sense.

Of course. A Chocolate Jesus.

So I started melting chocolate and figuring out a way to mold it into shape. I stuck a blob of melted chocolate in the freezer and waited until it was not quite frozen and a bit pliable. Then I began working on my masterpiece.

I'm not a very good artist, and I'm sure he looked more like Charles Manson than Jesus Christ when I was done, but lo and behold, two hours later I had myself a Chocolate Jesus.

I had toyed with the idea of making a crown of thorns out of spun sugar, but decided against it. Not because it was improper, but because I haven't the slighest clue how to make spun sugar.

Now, how does one go about eating a chocolate Jesus? With the chocolate bunnies, you generally eat the ears first. So that's what I did. I ate Jesus's ears. The next logical step would be the tail. But of course, Jesus doesn't have a tail. So I started chomping on his lower half. And the lapsed Catholic in me heard the words in my head:

"Body of Christ, Amen."

It was good chocolate. I kept eating.

I ate his head and his arms and the the remnants of his robe.

And then I made another. I decided I would give them out for the holidays. No, no. I would sell them for the holidays. What a grand idea.

But somehow it never happened. I think I ate every chocolate Jesus I made. 20 pounds and one handbasket to hell later, I gave up on the idea.

So now Easter is approaching again. I'm thinking the time is right for a Chocolate Jesus. I just need the right marketing tools. I need a slogan.

Melts in Your Mouth, Not in Your Hymn Book!
Body of Christ: Now available in Krispy!
Sweet Jesus!
(courtesy of Davezilla)

If it turns out there is a hell, I am sure I will be there. But I'll be in good company at least.


So you know that was a book, as well as a recent Tom Waits tune, right?

I linked the Tom Waits song, down at the bottom. And I knew about that book, can't believe I forgot it. Thanks.

"You got your Jesus in my Peanut Butter?"

"New king-size Jesus, for the hungry ones"
"Jesus candy bar, now with creamy nougat"
"What would you do for a Jesus bar?"
"How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a Jesus pop?"

Pictures, I wanna see PICTURES...

Some more slogans:
"Chocolate Jesus: Tastes Divine!"
"Chocolate Jesus: Heaven on your lips, Hell on your hips!"
"Chocolate Jesus: more fun than a lawn statue!"

And, the jingle:
"What do you give your old Aunt Beezus?
Make her real happy with Chocolate Jesus!
Jesus comes in milk, or dark, or white
Chew on Jesus all through the night!
There's a taste o'Jesus made just for you --
Now you know 'What Would Jesus Do!'
You'll go rob a bank, or plan a heist
Just to munch on the Body of Christ!"

Announcer voice-over: "And don't forget -- Holy Ghost Pops now available in strawberry or lime!"

Oh my god. I can't stop laughing.

I guess we can use that carpool lane on the way to hell.

Yes, there MUST be pictures!

Jesus Christ Super Bar

He melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
ChocoJesus, not just for sinners.

One year, Amy and I came across a chocolate cross, as part of the Easter candy display at some gift shoppe in the Chicago suburbs. We immediately decided it was a chocolate crucifix, although there was no chocolate Jesus stuck on it. I could easily see a little candy Jesus stuck on it, made of that same hard candy that they use to make the carrots that they stick on chocolate Easter bunnies. I'll start working on that.

And the scary part is, I really believe that you are working on it right now.

Chocolate Jesus, now bringing the Body of Christ to everyone!

Chocolate Jesus - in your choice of white or dark. Keeping the KKK and the NAACP happy.

Are we in hell yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? I need to pee.

I think it's a plot by us Catholics to convert everyone. If we can't get you to take communion then we'll just get you to eat the Jesus Christ Super Bar.

You know, sad thing is, as a soapmaker, I bet I could find you a Jesus mold... but I am afraid of the evil I might unleash on the world!

we are all going to hell.
we'll be in good company.
this made me laugh out loud.
and i have had a bad time of it this week.
thank you
and i DO believe that Jesus has a sense of humor.

Savor the savior flavor
Savour the saviour flavour

(American English sure is economical with the letter U.)

My sides are splitting from the hilarity.

Hehe. From my first blog post (nearly a year ago! How time flies!):

"Yes, I know some of you may be saying "but Easter is about Jesus." But come on, it's become secular in most ways just like Christmas. What part of the bible are chocolate bunnies in? If we were observing the religious aspect, shouldn't we have chocolate Jesus's, instead?
"mummy, I just ate Jesus' head."

"Now, don't get too filled up on Jesus. You need to save room for this big old goy ham I baked up."
Or maybe we could have chocolate Stations of the Cross, each with a different surprise filling.
"Mmmm, the last one is raspberry mocha."
"You ate them out of order? Well you can just think about how good that was while you're BURNING IN HELL!"
One of my favourite quotes about organised religion is from Robyn Hitchcock. He says that while he's a spiritual person, he also has an infinite contempt for organised religions, which hijack spirituality for political purposes. He goes on to say they're perilously close to pornography in this way. I know, happy Easter. Heh."
I used to hang out with Bill H. If he's not in heaven I'd rather go to hell.

i did that too! right after mule variations came out, i was suddenly inspired one night to make a chocolate jesus - i got one of those jesus nightlites, and filled it with melted chocolate chips, and let it cool. worked pretty well, actually.

Mule? There are chocolate mules?

I was thinking, if they covered the communion wafers in chocolate maybe more people would be inclined to come to church.

There's a whole set here waiting to be made. Chocolate Jesus in the Manger. (Hey, let's do the whole creche thing in chocolate!) Chocolate Jesus feeding the 5,000 with little chocolate loaves and fishes. Chocolate Jesus driving the moneychangers from the temple. Chocolate Jesus on the Cross. And, of course, Chocolate Jesus ascending into heaven!

For non-Christians, you could have your choice of a Chocolate Moses, a Chocolate Buddha, a Chocolate Mohammed, a Chocolate Baba...

Or the free-thinker series, featuring Chocolate Einstein and Chocolate Darwin.

Hey, let's dip the whole world in chocolate!

Chocolate Satan?

This is going to have to come to fruition at my house for easter this year. I am going to go out and see if I can find a Jesus mold today... Mebbe Truffle-filled Jesus' all around for Easter. I'll include instructions on how you should eat the ears first. :)

Chocolate Satan! How could I have forgotten him? He's an industry unto himself: Chocolate Beelzebub, Chocolate Lucifer, Chocolate Prince of Darkness (mmm, love that dark chocolate), Chocolate Asmodeus, Chocolate Old Scratch, and, of course, the Chocolate Antichrist!

"and, of course, the Chocolate Antichrist!"

A chocolate Rumsfeld!! Delicious!

You heathens are all the same ... grin Next you'll be making chocolate mangers in time for Christmas!

I found this site was pretty cool and funny!

Did you know that Marilyn Manson's Cousin has a Band called "CANDY COATED JESUS" and they give out little Chocolate covered Candy Coated Jesus's at their shows! it's their gimmick....

Check them out at CCJesus.com

love the jesus in your chocolate, or is it the chocolate in your jesus? Either way, love it. Pete's mom rules!!!!

I am a huge Manson Fan and Grew up playing Slayer/Old Metallica/KOrn/Pantera ect., I'm versed as a bass player as well as keyboards but My love is for the guitar. I have 7 and they are all signatured guitars, I love to play My Dimebag Darel dimeslime Signed washburn just cuz it sounds so crunchy with my Crate Celestian half stack. I also have use a Roland guitar synth that I have set up with my Steve Vai Gem series universe 7 string, I love to add Gothic Ahh's and strange samples and shit that no ones thought of b4 to beginnings and or end of songs before I switch to full Death destortion and oblitherate my axes while sweating blood and spitting fire. My stage presance is deadly I'm a true entertainer, love to work the croud and and feed off the energy croud, love to shock and push the envelope as far as possible cuz i got my lunchbox and I'm armed real well. I'm good friends with a friend called Five who plays in a band and sells Ridleys www.ridleymotorsales.com (alot like Harley Davidson motercycles) . He runs sound for Candy Coated Jesus occasionally and he told me they were looking for another guitarist. Well letsee, destiny is quaint.... I'm the Fukkin' man. I'm in my 20's been playing guitars and basses for 15 years, was guitarist in a band I formed called Hallow Hate, wrote all the music and lyrics, love to sing and growl but I was interested in my performance as a guitarist and Dan sang my songs well. We and did one 4 song demo cd Called Graveyard love songs™,Song 1.) was On a mountain, 2.) Talking to my Axe again 3.) goin' 2 the graveyard and 4.) omni-buddah - all my originals. We played out 3 times ( Chucks, Annebells and Rons crossroads. We got signed fast with Harvest studios for a cd deal. Everything was Farfromsukkin' and then my singer got killed by an off duty Akron Cop near Rt.8 when his balljoint went out and he sideswiped another car. He stopped and freaked a bit. And then this cop who thought he was "on something" T(in plain clothes) who weighed 350+lbs, stopped his car, ran up on him from behind & fell on top of him while using an illegal choak hold and crushed his windpipe. He died while the cop was putting the cuffs on him. But Dan Hall stil lives in us all and if you've drove Northbound on 77 by the central interchange B4 RT.8 you've seen my Highwire painting handywork " Dan Hall Not Forgotten, Also at the top of the Barberton water tower( where he lived and graduated from HS. Anyway I'm 5'10 muscular Black #1 long hair Black fingernails,FTW but play HARD attitude, tatts and extreem piercings That I can only show to women or guys friends that really want to see them. I'm Goth/thug to the Hellvis extreem. Fire-eyes Contacts, facepainting, eyeliner and all. Terminally and legally insaine, OG juggalo from the start as well as a Manson fan from the get go. I'm interested in jamming with Candy coated Jesus and letting them see what I can bring to the table for them, if they give me a chance I know we'll be famous. I'm psychic.......but Since Dan got kiled I was burned on music cus we were on our way and then the world came down on me but its in my blood and I need it to survive. This will be my first endeavor since then. I have to play and do something with my talent and I want to jam with Candy Coated Jesus so bad I'm Hard right now. I am shit, I am it and I wont quit...... ever. please e-mail back,
Tim (The Pirate Necromancer) damanwhoknows@yahoo.com

No fukkin joke, Of I'm in then I'm IN for the Long haul, life if need be. and NOTHING else matters 2 me I've got to desecrate this world and Leave my mark. Anyone that can help me hook with Candy coated Jesus, I would be in their debt and greatly appreciated and may the Gods Not piss on you that day. I was born with a Nylon Pick in my hand. ~No jokes, just tokes~ I will only Jam/practice and Gig totally straight, I want no excuse for not emitting 100%.of myself for the band. Somebody get me, B4 I get myself................................. The Pirate Necromancer™

Hello, have fun with easy blogging!

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