I just want to sleep the way other people sleep. I want to close my eyes and drift off peacefully and wake up to a new day feeling refreshed. I don't want what I've had or what I have now.
It used to be just the dreams. The continuous barrage of nightmares and visions and voices that have been with me since childhood. The feeling as if I had been awake the whole time, not in a dream world, not in my imagination or subconcious. I've gotten used to this kind of dreaming and the kind of trance like state I live in during the day because I don't sleep well at night.
It's become more physical than mental lately. I lay down. I close my eyes. Immediately, as always, the dreaming starts before I am even asleep. It's always been that way. But now there's the sensation of my heart beating too fast. A lurching that seems to come up from the pit of my stomach and grab my heart on it's way up and out of my throat in the from of a gasp. I think I am having a heart attack. I bolt fully awake and clutch my heart but it's calmed down, it was just a brief dance out of rythmn, gone and stilled. But I still have that feeling of suffocation, that my lungs are clawing at the air for a breath. I deep breathe. In with the good (inhale) out with the bad (exhale). I'm careful not to do it too quickly so I don't hyperventilate.
The familiar sensation of a panic attack sets in. It's been a long time since the panic attacks came in any kind of frequency. They come here and there and I've learned how to vanquish them so they don't stay more than a minute or so. But these- these come when I am in a daze and already panicked and they are able to grab onto that panic and choke the breath out of me. No breath is deep enough. I could go outside and suck in every drop of fresh air that is out there and it still wouldn't be enough to satisfy my lungs or my head. My heart beats faster and I'm sure that either a heart attack or death is approaching.
Somewhere in my head, while this all is going on, there is a voice of reason that tells me I am not dying. I am not suffocating. I will not die at this moment, in my bed, gripped with a fear that some subconcious nightmare has brought on. I've lived through these before. I'll live to tell again.
But sometime in the past few days the extra large heartbeats and the gasping breaths have crossed over from the bed to the kitchen to the world at large. I sit here now, breathing in too hard, breathing out too little and I am probably perpetuating the whole scenario by unwittingly repeating it.
I wonder if it's too much caffeine. Too much pressure. Too much stress. Too much nutrasweet and additives and preservatives. Not enough sleep. Not enough vitamins. Not enough exercise. I don't want to wonder if it's real. If the valves of my heart are trying to send me a message. I put that thought out with the thoughts of death and suffocating in an imaginary coffin.
So what do I do? Should I try meditation or yoga? Should I go to a sleep clinic? Should I go back to therapy and try to chase out whatever demons are keeping me from sleeping and then making it hard to be awake? There are things I want to lift from my shoulders but they are not things you tell people. They are things you keep under wraps. But I think I would feel better, relieved, more at ease if those things that came to haunt me when I try to sleep were dispelled from my head.
And then I wonder if past chemicals are catching up with me. If things I did over 20 years ago are finally manifesting themselves in my brain cells. Or if they are finally seeping out of my brain cells into other parts of my body. If all that chemical abuse has made my body and my mind finally try to exact its revenge on me. I wonder what has sat there dormant inside me all of these years, only to be triggered by a memory or an over the counter medication that had just the right ingredients to wake the sleeping giant of drug abuse that sits inside of me.
So, anyhow. How's your Sunday going?