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this is getting old and so are you

this is getting old and so are you

Not that you need a reminder, what with all the storefronts decorated with sickening pink and red hearts and, as Natalie would put it, small child with weaponry. I hate this holiday. People who do not have significant others do not corner the market on hating Valentine's Day.

It comes down to this: the greeting card and chocolate and floral industries have gotten together and formed this great conspiracy called Valentine's Day. Sure this day existed a long time ago. It was a day set aside to honor a saint. Not a day to buy your wife a black teddy and a garter belt. And certainly not a day to make people who are not in a relationship feel shitty about themselves. And most certainly not a day to make all the people who don't think of being romantic or spontaneous or thoughtful all year long think there is one specific day where they can do these things and then be off the hook for the rest of the year.

Valentine's Day is not a day of amnesty. It is not a day where a guy or girl can say "Well, I've been shitty to my partner all year long, but if I buy them a huge boquet of flowers on February 14th, I'm off the hook!" It doesn't work that way. Me, I'm lucky to have someone who is a romantic fool all year round. But it wasn't always that way. I was once married to a guy who thought that if he took out the garbage instead of making me do it, it was a romantic gesture. Valentine's Day would come around and I would get a box of chocolate ($3.99 at CVS) and it would have at least two pieces with the dreaded coconut, which means I got a cheap box of chocolate of which I could only really enjoy about 4 pieces.

Chocolate is not a good gift. Chocolate says "I would like you to gain a few pounds so then I can say to you in a week or so that you look like you could lose a few pounds." Flowers are not good. Flowers say "Here are some beautiful works of nature that will wilt or dry out and lose their beauty in a relatively short time. Like you. Which is when I will leave you for a younger woman." Sexy lingerie is not good, because that just says "I really hate the way you look naked. Do you think you could dress like a stripper when we have sex so I can pretend that you are Shana from The Raven's Nest?"

So, is there anything that is a good gift for Valentine's Day? Yes. What you should do is find a friend who is feeling lonely. One that isn't currently attached at the hip to someone. One who thinks Cupid should be drawn and quartered. Buy that person a Valentine's Day card. Write a nice note inside, a few words to tell that person what they mean to you, why you are their friend, what you love about them. The point is to let them know that despite the best efforts of Hallmark and 1-800-Flowers to make you think otherwise, one does not need a significant other to be loved. One does not need to have another half to be a whole person.

Valentine's Day is a crock of shit. It does more harm than good. Have you ever been that kid in class who got three valentines while everyone else got 20? Have you ever sat home crying in your beer and eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's while burning pictures of your ex? Then you know. You know how Valentine's Day only causes pain. Even for the guys who have a girlfriend because they feel they can't live up to the expectations that the media has set for them as far as presents go. For the girls who have a guy, it sucks if they have been watching some woman-centered morning television show where some guy pops out of the audience in a tuxedo on Valentine's Day and gets down on his knee and begs his girlfriend, who is a grip or stagehand or something, to marry him. And then Katie Couric sends them on a trip around Manhattan in a horse drawn carraige and the snow falls gently on their heads as he puts a diamond ring on her finger and....well that's not reality for everyone, folks. So don't think it's yours. Valentine's Day only serves to get your hopes up and then have them crashed down on top of you by the end of the night when all you got was a kiss and an offer to let you watch while he plays Grand Theft Auto. Any other day of the year that would have been good enough for you.

I've digressed again. I'm just saying. Fuck Valentine's Day. Make this "tell a friend you love them" day. No flowers, no candy, no crotchless panties. If you love someone, tell them. That's all. And really, that should be every day.


Thankfully, Valentine's day - alla hjärtans, or all hearts day - isn't so big here. But these American holidays, Valentine's and Halloween, are slowly making more and more headway.

Me, I've never felt much one way or another on Feb. 14, good or bad. I don't expect much either... although just in case I feel bereft, I can look at the agressively cute blue mountain card my 6-year-old niece sent yesterday celebrating "being thankful pets don't have opposable thumbs" day. She was a little early, as this day is traditionally not celebrated until March 3. (I can almost hear her cackling from here.)

No crotchless panties?!


Far better to let your S.O. know that you care EVERY day than just one day a year....

Your idea of sending a card to a loved friend who does not have a S.O., is brilliant - but perhaps not on Valentines Day - perhaps the 13th or 15th so that it makes that a special date!


damn michele - i only got as far as the "raven's nest" paragraph and that brought back a whole bunch of memories... thanks ;-)

and i agree with everything you've stated here about the supposed special day on thursday. hallmark & hershey are making huge profits this week...

What's funny is as soon as I posted that, I thought to myself "Frank is going to make a comment about the Raven's Nest." Men are so damn predictable. :-)

Run far away from anything that smells of a Hallmark set-up. I refuse to have my arm twisted.

"What you should do is find a friend who is feeling lonely ... Buy that person a Valentine's Day card." Maybe, but do it anonymously, so the friend gets to imagine a secret passion. Your friend doesn't have to know that you are the secret admirer.

That sounds suspiciously like a Brady Bunch episode. And it can only end badly when the friend realizes that he/she never had an admirer at all.

word up sister - valentines bites mucho rectum bigtime.

in the spirit of your post...

i just wanted to you to know that you rock. thank you for your personal openness and excellent ability to convey all that you experience.

happy tell-a-friend-off day.

It's just the idiotic materialsm that gets to me. The best present that someone can ever give is a little of their time.

'Course, lately had a thing about giving dark little anti-Valentine's presents and stuff.

Thank you! I hate Valentine's Day, and I'm attached. It's just a stupid marketing day. My boyfriend and I do not celebrate Valentine's and I certainly don't feel any big loss.

see, now, if St Valentine's Day meant giving your favoritest homo in the world CD's or playstation games, I think it'd be a much better day than it is now.

Maybe we should change it to "Express Love to a Homosexual with Geek Gifts" day?

Even when I had a significant other, I hated Valentine's Day. All the mushy commercial affection on one day when ideally you should love your friends and partner every day of the year...the gross baby pink kiss bunnies, the overprices roses.

Screw that...I plan on wearing ALL black on Black Thursday and sucking down lots of fat bastard food.

Sorry, Shel. This is the Best Heterosexual Blog. For gay loving, try Ernie. I can't help it if I've been labeled.

Though if you said it was "Express Love to a Great Friend with Geek Gifts Day" I might have sent you a PS2 game.



we were there for you, during the dry sub 300 visitor days...we laughed, we listende to barbra, we told you about it...we shared our sick and perverted sense of humour with oyu...

and this

]this is how you treat us?

Fine bitch - I want my purple curtains back.

Sorry, G. I don't know what came over me. I've put my rainbow hat back on. Come back to me!

Valentines would probably be better if we ALL wore crotchless painties...no wait, that makes it worse.

aww, so ya have Valentine's Day... but don'tcha at least like those little candy hearts? those things are awesome!

OK, yanno what? I'm gonna go against popular opinion and say that I LIKE Valentine's Day. No, I'm not attached. I just like it.

Now wait a minute - Valentine's Day is like any other holiday that started out with a decent core message and got overrun by heightened expectations and a history of disspointment.(Christmas comes to mind here.)

Are there more unhappy people around than happy ones? A declared holiday and chocolate on sale won't change that. Are there some people who are truly happy with each other? All the carping in the world about how commercial and forced V.D. is won't change that either.

It is what it is.

I like it.

I feel sorry for the person who left the last post. Valentine's Day is whatever you make of it. Just because somebody wants a special day to celebrate their love doesn't mean that they lack that the rest of the year. If you are in love, Valentine's Day is the one holiday other than your birthday that is all about you. Get your ass pampered if that is what you want. Have a nice dinner and indulge yourself with sweets. When every day is uncertain, it is nice to have something to look forward to. I know it is a marketing idea, but it works. Simple and sweet. If you see the world through jaded eyes, then everything appears to be silly.


...right on, chele. right...on.

i loathe valentine's day immensely.

Jonathan...how odd you made an appearance, I was thinking of you today. Good things, of course.

I agree--Bah Humbug to Valentine's Day. Forty years of going beyond just a card--and getting only a card (usually after an "oh shit" the night before as a commercial came on TV) in return--and that also goes for Mother's Day. Bah Humbg!

I didn't hate it so much before I got married as I just like the smell of fresh-cut roses (I worked at a florist's in high school for that very reason) -- but now that I am married, I hate how it's turned into some sick peer-pressure "what did he get you because if it's not half as nice as what my husband bought me he obviously doesn't love you" kind of thing. To which I put my hands on my hips this year and reply, "We're going to see Weezer in 2 weeks -- and it's not on Valentine's Day. We will be eating the same ol' frozen food on the 14th so we don't have to tip 20% that evening, meaning I can buy a t-shirt next week. Nyah nyah." Of course, I'm also the sort of woman who wore a gold twist-tie on her finger for the first month of our engagement because it's never been about the money... Stupid Hallmark and DeBeers.

Anyone who wants to can send me a valentine. I can't claim to like valentine's day, but a little cheering up would be nice. Something about handmade, heart-shaped cards made out of pink and red construction paper just makes people smile.

Robyn, I wrote a limerick yesterday that you would appreciate:

There once was a girl named Louisa
No guy could ever please her
Until she met Gino
A boy who loved emo
And together they went to see Weezer.

Yep, I spent all day thinking up limericks that incorporated Weezer.

Right on, Michele. You echo my thoughts. In fact, I have a very similar rant on my own web site.

LMAO Michele -- that's awesome! You do have the gift...