I deserve a reward...
I deserve a reward cause I'm the best fuck that you ever had
(in keeping with my theme of faith no more lyrics as titles, I just thought this one fitting today)
I am completely underdressed for the occasion. It's hard to graciously accept an award while sitting here in undies and a t-shirt. Maybe I should at least put pants on....
Ok. Much better. Being named Best Heterosexual Weblog means one thing to me: my charm and sexy smile were enough to bribe Dave with. Heteros are so easy, you know? Ok, I did promise him a blowjob, but if there was an award for biggest liar, I suppose I would get that, too. I would have offered Leia sexual favors too but that would have sort of defeated the whole hetero thing, no?
Well anyhow, I won. Being heterosexual has finally got me something besides herpes. And will you look at this prize? Choire and Philo (I would have offered them blowjobs also, but....), the sponsors of the Best Hetero blog, will be sending me a copy of Anal Pleasure & Health : A Guide for Men and Women. I promise to get tons of mileage out of this book. Gay men do not own the market on anal sex, you know?
I showed the prize to Justin, my significant (but award-less) other and he grinned from ear to ear. I told him that I wanted to make really good use out of this prize and he smiled even wider. I told him that it was my duty, my right, as the winner of this wonderful prize to explore all the options of anal pleasure within the book. He jumped up and down for joy. He then saw me at a sex toy site, ordering a strap on and the economy size K-Y and he ran from the room screaming.
Thanks also for the condoms, guys. Being monogamous and fixed, I really don't have to partake in condom usage, so I was thinking of blowing them up and using them for my daughter's birthday party this week as balloons. You just saved me $1.49. Thanks!
Honestly, I am flattered to win this award, even if the voting process was completely dishonest and arbitrary. And should I be unable to perform my duties as Best Heterosexual Blogger, if I should at some point act upon my crushes on Baz and Bill and no longer be deemed a heterosexual (that girlfriend I had in 7th grade doesn't disqualify me, does it? And that fling with the girl from Connecticut after my divorce?) please pass the award onto someone worthy, someone who could wear the crown of heterosexual blogger as well as I apparently do. But then again, in the words of Weezer, everyone's a little queer.
Thank you to Dave and Leia for putting the anti-bloggies together. And congratulations to all the other winners. Now move on to my QOD.