Prepare for a series of comfortable miracles
Prepare for a series of comfortable miracles
(the first person who gets the connection between the titles of the last 5 entries wins...something)
Sometimes I wake up and I'm not sure where I am. I get up and sit on the edge of the bed and for a few minutes I'm in a twilight zone where I can't figure out what I'm supposed to do next. It's an odd feeling, like I forgot to do something important or I woke up in the wrong house or the wrong life. I end up in the grips of a panic attack and I have to do a mental recount of my life. I have two kids. They are in their room. And for a second I think...I do have two kids, right? And I get up and go look in their room, which is ok during the week because I will find them there, safe and asleep. But on a Saturday morning, like today, I go in their room and the beds are empty and I'm standing there, still sort of sleeping and groggy and I imagine that they don't really exist or that I've dreamed my whole life up. Part of me realizes I am not fully awake while this is going on, so I crawl back into bed and try to fall asleep so I can wake up again and start the day right.
This happened this morning and the familiarity of it made a little light go on in my head and I was able to skip the whole "who the hell am I and where is my life" routine and just closed my eyes to try to get back to sleep again. It was 4am. Justin was having another one of his sleepless nights and was in the living room, probably playing Monopoly on the computer. I stretched, enjoying the feeling of having the bed to myself. I tried to drift off but only got to that stage where you are half awake and half asleep and you're still not sure which side is going to win.
I think sleep was winning and I felt that heaviness in my head that was a sign I would sink into dreamland in a second. And then I felt the hands on my face. I assumed Justin had snuck into the bed - I must have been closer to sleep than I thought to not feel him. I felt his fingers brush against my cheeks, like he was holding my face in his hands. I turned to look at him, but he wasn't there. No one was there. I panicked for a second and then realized I must have been dreaming. But it felt so real. I closed my eyes and less than a minute later I felt it again. This time I would not open my eyes. I felt what I imagined to be someone's fingers tracing the outline of my face. They touched my lips and my eyelids and my chin. I was wide awake yet my conscious brain was refusing to accept that someone unseen was touching my face. I was just overtired. Underslept. Dreaming even though I thought I was awake. And then the whisper. You're doing ok. Everything is going to be alright. Stop worrying. It was a man's voice. A deep, scratchy whisper that I heard as clearly as if there were a real person sitting next to me, talking to me. My body broke out in goosebumps and I squeezed my eyes shut further and pulled the covers up over my head, the way I did when I was a child and I was afraid of every bump in the night.
And then it was gone and the chill that had taken over was gone and I opened my eyes. The dim light from the hallway allowed me to see around the room and there was nothing except what was there when I went to sleep for the first time. No ghosts, no spirits, no hovering headless body or eerie green light. I laid there for a while longer and as the minutes passed, the likelihood that I imagined the whole thing grew stronger. That I was probably lucid dreaming and just confused it with my waking life.
I don't really believe in ghosts, or spirits or anything of that nature. Or I do believe, but part of me can't fathom how such a thing can be possible so I dismiss it. On one hand, I believe that your dream life is some otherworldly place that actually exists on another plane. Yet I don't believe in ghosts?
DJ often has dreams about his uncle who died last April. He tells me that Uncle Rob comes to him in his dreams, it's not like he is dreaming specifically about him. He just appears; on a street corner, at the kitchen table, wherever DJ's dream is taking place. He just appears out of nowhere and asks DJ if everything is ok and tells him he just wanted to say hi. Could be the wishful thinking of a nine year old who misses his uncle. Or it could be....real? Could it be possible that someone - maybe my old friend Xavier - was just giving me a message or checking in on me? Or are DJ and I just projecting our desire to see people we miss on our dreams?