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a small victory

(have you done the qod?)

a small victory

When you have this fury, this bitterness, this anger living inside you, you eventually get to the point where you want it to subside. You don't relish living with a hole burning in the middle of your stomach. So you let it go, a bit at a time. Or at least you push it down and ignore it until you can ignore it to the point of forgetting.

But it's hard to keep a good rage down. There will be that one thing, that one word or moment that will send it skyrocketing from the depths of your memory where it lay dormant, right through your heart and your stomach and your nerves.

I had a fight with the ex yesterday and we really hadn't fought in a long time because I have refused join in his verbal and mental attacks. But yesterday, on the phone, as we were arguing about the kids and the time he spends with them and the time I don't, as I was pleading with him to please, when he has to work a Friday night or Saturday afternoon to let them stay home for a bit instead of with their grandparents, as I was explaining in passive tones and with carefully measured words that even though I have proper custody of the kids he spends more leisure time with them, I did the unthinkable. I cried. I have never, ever cried in front of him in the four years plus since I chased him out the door. And I hated myself for doing it, hated that I gave him that satisfaction and that I allowed myself to be so weak in front of him. But I hated him more for his response to my very real tears and sobbing. His uncaring, umsympathetic, biting remark that he would get out the violins for me. I said 'fuck you' and hung up the phone I did not feel any better for that.

I live this small battle with him every day. Some days I can get past it and some days I can't. But each battle, and each subsequent victory on my part, reminds me of why I left him in the first place and why I continue to have this simmering hatred for him. No matter what I say to him, no matter how I plead or beg or state my case or my cause or the invite him to take the children's feelings into consideration, it falls on deaf ears.

And that, my friends, is why the name of this domain is asmallvictory.net. That is why this song has been ringing in my ears for many years now. Truer words never rang out for me. Each day I get through without driving a knife into his blackened heart is a small victory. Each day I get through without resorting to the selfish, uncaring way he has chosen with which to deal with me, each day I get through without the spite that he feels, the spite that allows him to treat me the way he does in front of our kids, the spite that allows him to treat the children like pawns in an endless mind game, each of those days is a small victory. And the last lines of the song - well I couldn't have said it better myself.

A Small Victory - Faith No More

A hierarchy
Spread out on the nightstand
The spirit of team
Salvation is another chance
A sore loser
Yelling with my mouth shut

A cracking portrait
The fondling of trophies
The null of losing
Can you afford that luxury?
A sore winner
But I'll just keep my mouth shut

It shouldn't bother me
But it does

The small victories
The cankers and medallions
The little nothings
They keep me thinking that someday
I might beat you
But I'll just keep my mouth shut

It shouldn't bother me
But it does

If I speak at one constant volume
At one constant pitch
At one constant rhythm right into your ear,
You still won't hear, you still won't hear


I still say that changing the title from afireinside to asmallvictory showed this gleeming hope beneath the grime.

My birth parents have this constant cold war thing going on that came to quite an annoying head this christmas when I heard the words "He gets you every Christmas, I think its our turn this year" as if who I chose to spend Christmas with was one of them scoring points over the other. I would spend Christmas with my father because that meant I could be with Pix. This year she moved in with me so we had the choice of where to go and of course any sane person is going to chose Paris over Glasgow.

Still, that my mother had been regarding my choices each year as me prefering him to her... I guess I never thought of it that way.

The kids will know who is right and who is wrong later in life, they have to, you're raising them too well for them not to.

I'm so lucky never to have been in this sort of situation - in fact I would say that I've got the best husband in the world.

Where I CAN relate to you is that I used to get so ANGRY over certain issues that I simply started crying. In one way, I suppose it should help because it releases the tension -BUT you feel so damned stupid and get even more angry with yourself - the one person you should be comfortable with.

Dont let him get the better of you - you sound like a wonderful caring Mother, doing the very best for your children. Be PROUD - be VERY PROUD - of who you are and what you are doing.

I hope and pray that things will work out for you and your family. But, at least you are doing everything you can - and thats more than can be said for him.

Your children will grow up knowing your love, and knowing just how much you care.


Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

You've got to breathe. I know saying "don't let it get to you" is totally impossible, because it's going to get to you. But while I haven't been in your situation, I know the "acid in the stomach." Intimately. So breathe. It won't help you, won't help anyone if you wind up with so much agida you get an ulcer.

I know I've said this before, but it bears repeating: just wait 'till they get older and see who's doing the real parenting. Who's knocking themselves out doing the "mom thing," including homework, parties, dinner, etc., while daddy's buying them N'sync tickets. (I think that's part of this, you know.)

Any way you could arrange to have your kids for a weekend -- soon? It sounds like you need it.

you are one strong diva, Michele. (((*)))

Gawd what an ASSHOLE. That sucks.
I used do the mad-crying and it's awful! It's always misinterpreted. And yeah, everyone's right - the kids will know in the end who cared. But roe was right - any way you can get a weekend here and there?


I'm sorry things suck so hard right now with your ex, and I wish you could spend more time with your kids. I have no clue what you are going through, but I wish you luck in your battles.

Well, the good news is you don't have to question whether your divorce was a good idea. Here's what my family would do:

Pretend it never happened and hold your head up.

I used to call that denial. Now I call it dignity. :)

It's the small victories that eventually win the war, Michele.

I laugh at the tactics that my ex uses with our daughter. She isn't stupid. She is nine and already sees through him. Sure, she has no say so right now whether or not she goes to see him on the weekends. She has to. Court order. But the day will come when she will have a say so and I am afraid that he will be wondering where he went wrong. The whole time I get to watch him dig the hole deeper and deeper until it's above his head. Then I get to sit by and watch while no one offers to dig him out - not even his own daughter.

Yes. It's the small victories that win the war. Remember that.


i don't know if this will make you feel any better, but i love you a hell of a lot. and i'll never fuck you over.

People often ask my why I get so personal here, why I pour out my heart in a public venue.

I do it sometimes just to vent, just to release whatever frustration has built up inside of me. But part of me also does it because I know I will get feedback from people who have been in my shoes, or can offer a few words of wisdom or support or a hug that feels as real as if you were standing right here.

Thank you.

Also, you're hoping we'll go on your Amazon wishlist and buy Playstation II games for you. :D

You know we adore you, babe. Especially me and Shel, we be tag-team lovin', baybeh!

ditto what Shel said. :)