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here's the mail.....

here's the mail...

Last night dreams involved driving a wooden stake into a large china doll, which then spewed blood; being nine months pregnant and sucking on a helium balloon while riding in the car with that idiot from Project Greenlight; being an undercover agent, forgetting my gun at home and trying to apprehend a suspect (a 15 year old girl who stole and was in a public bathroom taking a pee when I tried to arrest her) with a cooler bag - the kind you would stick a six of beer in before going to the ballgame. It worked. So it was a long night of complicated dreams with sub plots and recurring characters and lots of action. That said, I'm tired this morning. And a bit bemused.

I've been getting email lately, more than my usual share. Generally, my email, besides notes from friends and dirty jokes from my mother, consists of a lot of empty promises of bigger breasts, smaller waists, fatter wallets and a bigger penis, which I have no use for. Or maybe I do. If they could send me just the giant penis, with no person attached to it, it could save me a whole lot of batteries.

The past week or so I've seen an increase in blog related mail. I occasionally get mail from readers, most wanting to take me to task for being "Anti-American" i.e., speaking out against our country's policies on various issues. You know, practicing my freedom of speech. Sometimes I get mail from extremist religious people who think I should go to hell. Go to hell and die. In that order. There's the sporadic marriage proposal, one from a woman even, the offers of wild monkey sex and people who want me to be their mom. And then there's the people who want me to be their mom during wild monkey sex. We won't go there.

I find most of that mail amusing. What I find not so amusing is the mail from people who demand things of my weblog. I've talked about this before; the people who get tired when I write about my kids and the people who want to hear less about my kids and more about politics, or more about my kids and job and less about Rumsfeld being the anti-christ, etc. etc. I tend to not reply to people who want to limit what I should or shouldn't write about. If you are going to send me an email to that effect, at least try to be funny, then I'll write you back.

Meanwhile, I will answer some of their burnign questions here. These are from the past few days:

You haven't talked about politics or George Bush in almost a week. You didn't even say anything about the pretzel. Have you gone Republican?

There's more to life than my hatred for Bush and Rumsfeld. I was on a mini-hiatus when Bush choked on the pretzel. Don't read more into that than necessary. I've already been questioned and released.

How come you only talk about the two kids, the boy and the girl? You said once you had like 5 kids. So where are the other ones? Boarding school?

I have two children. If I have more than that, then it must have been like Gremlins, where they mutliplied by being dipped in water or something. I keep them locked in a closet and only take them out when I need someone to help me hand out subversive literature to Young Republicans.

How come your link too so many blogs by gay people? Are you really gay? Do you want to be gay? Do you dream abou tbeing a gay guy? what with your fasination with that? Do you hang out with gay people or do you have any firends that are more like you? Admit it you are really a gay guy and you are fooling everyone." *grammar and spelling left in original condition

I link to many blogs by married women, too. Does that make me really a married woman? Or mean that I want to be one? If I linked to a Christian blog would that make me a Christian? If I link to blogs by tall people does that make me tall or mean that I want to be tall or am I fooling you all and I really am not 5'2"? Do I hang around with people like me? How fucking boring would it be to hang around with only people that are just like you? How much of a sheltered life to you lead to think that people should only be in a circle of friends that think alike? Is there any diversity in your life? Or are all your friends shallow, dull, dim witted, ignorant assholes?

And that's the mailbag for today. At least the ones I felt were coherent enough to repeat.


If you're going to Hell, then I'll probably be right behind you humming AC/DC or Ministry or some other music of the Devil.

Don't worry, the only people who are going to hell are those who bought Winger or Nelson albums.

Does Night Ranger count as points towards hell?

Dear Ms Fag Hag

I want more monkey sex now!

You know you've hit the big time when everyone wants you to be their hot monkeylove mama.

Queer blogs rule.

Shit, I want off that sidebar now! I am not gay! Hey you, whiteboy, you keep those hands where I can see them.

It's just not fair. You get a guy that actually asks about your sexuality.

I get something like this.

"F*ck off you fagget ass rammer"

Tell me, whats your secret?

Michele: You're not married? What? You are living with that guy??? I am shocked and dismayed. And I want to know if you'll marry ME. I heart you.

See? Look! There's a marriage proposal from a woman!

And I'd marry you if it wouldn't upset the man so much, Jill.

We should just all move into a house together, with a bed the size of Lichtenstein.

A blogger commune...I'm all for that.

We'd have to set up a schedule for computer use, though.

Nonsense. We could set up a computer lab for all our machines so we could access them anytime we wanted. I'm sure someone can rig up a nice little network. The only problem would be the mass migration to the computer lab anytime something interesting happened in the commune, everyone would run to their computer to blog about it.

No no no, the bed the size of Lichtenstein has stations set up all around the perimeter. We can have group blogsex and post about it simultaneously.


Hello, have fun with easy blogging!

hello !

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