A Small Victory

the post semi-hiatus mixed bag of metaphors and crap

I wasn't going to post today. I was going to just post sporadically for the next few days. But my mornings are not the same without it. I am a person of routine and plan. My mornings for the past 11 months have been started by doing this, and it throws me off a bit when I don't. I need to begin and end my day with writing in this space here, because it has become part of my life. That, and I have been told that when I don't blog, I tend to talk too much.

I've learned a lot about myself the past few days. Mostly, I learned that carrying baggage around is only going to make your life difficult. It's not always easy to let go of that baggage, though. It's sort of like an appendage, and no matter how burdensome or self-defeating it is, it's just there. It won't disappear unless you work at it.

I alway said the best thing about being in a relationship with someone younger than myself is the lack of baggage he comes with (well, that's not the best thing about a younger guy, but we won't get into that). So here I am, with a past that won't leave me alone, a past that has scarred me in many ways.

I started dating my ex in 83. We were married in 89. He left in 97. That's 14 years of bullshit I've taken with me into my relationship with Justin. I didn't really expect that 14 years worth of turmoil would disappear in 3 years of near bliss. It takes more than that. Love doesn't erase your past. You have to want to let it go. You first have to be aware of what you are carrying before you can make the decision to throw it overboard. In fairness to Justin...why should he have to carry around my old problems? Why should he have to face the wrath of my past? It became so clear to me this week. I react to my own insecurities, my own voices that are still lingering in my head from those years instead of reacting to him, and the here and now.

It's frightening how the past sets up shop in your mind and your soul and stays there, like a tree rooting for life. You have no idea it's been growing there until it's too late, and you are choking on the branches and limbs that have invaded your life by now.

So, in keeping with the metaphors I've set up in my pre-caffienated 5am state, I am cutting down the branches and throwing the baggage in the dump and in general, letting go of a lot of things. Once I realized it, once I saw what I was doing and how it was destroying what I have now, it was so easy to say, let it go. It was so easy to say, stop reacting to your past. It may not be as easy to actually act upon it when the situation arises, but at least now I can look honestly at a situation and see it for what it is. I can recognize the feel of those branches reaching up and strangling me. Knowing what's choking you is half the battle, because now I know how to fight it.

Perhaps I have made no sense whatsover. That's ok. It made sense to me, and I needed to write it out and see the words and remember and look at this every time I feel the familiar sense of my defenses going up. I've made a huge adjustment to my psyche this week. Things are going to be ok from here.

I'm done with this subject for now. Your regularly scheduled cynical blogging will resume.