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The Forest Forty

The Forest Forty

Beavers, deer, and woodchucks under federal investigation. I just read the headline. I didn't bother with the story because I made up my own.

Roscoe, New York. 1/11/02

The Forest Forty is a well-known militant organization made up of woodland creatures whose main goal is to bring down the NRA and the meat packing industry. It has been said that their funding comes from PETA, but this has yet to be proved, despite the FBI finding Alicia Silverstone posters in several beaver dams. Detractors from this theory claim that the animals are really running an methamphetamine lab in their underground quarters, and point to the large increase in sales of glow in the dark necklaces and Aphex Twin albums to coyotes as proof.

An intensive investigation into the Forest Forty began 5 years ago, when Charlton Heston received a package at his NRA office that contained woodchuck and deer feces. The package was left on his doorstep, on fire. When Mr. Heston stomped on the bag to quell the flames, he remembers hearing "animal-like giggling" coming from the bushes.

A beaver who had been sitting in the county animal shelter, detained on charges of biting a human, told authorities he would give them information on who sent the excrement filled package to Heston in exchange for his freedom, thus giving a whole new meaning to the phrase stool pigeon. Between the beaver and another informant known only as Rabies187, they were able to gather enough information to move in on the gang's upstate New York hideout.

When the FBI arrived at the scene, they witnessed the last of the Forty scampering into the tunnel. In an effort to drive the animals out, the agents blasted Ted Nugent records into the hole, but it was obvious the animals had found another way out.

We will have more as the investigation continues.

Posted by on January 11, 2002 05:16 PM |

Comments

HAHAHAHAH, you fucking slay me, babe :) you're a goddess!

Posted by: shel | January 11, 2002 08:09 PM

I LOVE it!

I was hoping that Ted Nugent would be found nibbled to death, with his butt full of arrows!

Posted by: batgrl | January 11, 2002 08:15 PM

I got down to the last paragraph and realized I had no clue where I was going with this, so I just ended it abruptly. Feel free to write your own endings.

Posted by: michele | January 11, 2002 08:18 PM

ROFLMAO!! OMG that is awesome!! I can't stop laughing!

Posted by: Jennifer | January 11, 2002 09:20 PM

Oh, I needed a good laugh. That was so fantastic! Animal-like giggling...

Posted by: Christine | January 11, 2002 10:37 PM

your version is so much more entertaining than the original. can you please cover all the news like this, it would be so much more fun that way...

Posted by: kd | January 12, 2002 04:26 AM

goddamn terrorist...muslims my ass...them pilots were beavers!

Posted by: g | January 12, 2002 09:02 AM

Why bother reading the original story? It wouldn't be half as funny as this version.:)

Posted by: Natalie | January 12, 2002 09:37 AM