A Small Victory

more fun with the sleep deprived

It's 5am and the house is dark except for my little nook and cranny over here, by the computer. I'm the only one up - I've been up most of the night - and my lack of sleep over the past few days has made me a bit jumpy. Justin was laughing in his sleep when I left the bedroom at about 3am, a laugh that was more evil than humorous. Now I hear noises. Ice falling off the trees outside, landing on the ground with a thud that makes me jump out of my seat. I thought I saw a shadow float across the kitchen, but shadows don't float, do they? So then what was that? And there's my Jack Skellington bobbin' head, sitting on top of my computer, and his head is bobbin' just a little too much today. I think he is grinning at me. It's only Tuesday. My next chance for a nap doesn't come until Saturday. I can't for the life of me understand why I can fall asleep so easily during the day, yet lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and begging for mercy from the sleep gods. And when I do sleep, there's the bizarre, tiring dreams, so what's the point? Sometimes when I get into bed at night, I get a feeling of dread, knowing that the dreams are going to come. So what's worse? Sleeping but having that sleep filled with all too realistic nightmares, or not sleeping at all and living with the resulting zombie-like state and hallucinations that come with insomnia?

I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately, anyhow. It's a big, angry cycle that leads me to this state. I don't sleep, therefore I am tired. I am tired, therefore I have no motivation to finish projects that have deadlines. I have deadlines looming over my head, therefore I can't sleep. See where this is going?

Mentally, I feel fine. A bit edgy, a bit jumpy, but none of that usual lethargy or lack of motivation that comes with my bouts of insomnia. Maybe I've learned to live with it. Maybe I've learned how to harness my energy so I don't need sleep. Maybe I will pass out at my desk at about 10 am.

Maybe I should stop rambling and get ready for work.