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inside edition, take three

inside edition, take three

I just got rid of company, including at least a dozen kids running amok through our belongings. I think we started out with 4 kids and they just multiplied somewhere along the line. I am completely and thoroughly exhausted, down to every single fiber of my being. I have to go back to work tomorrow, the kids go back to school and I want just one more day. Just one day to recuparate from all the days before this. Starting with the frenzy of finishing my Christmas shopping down to just 5 minutes ago when we put the finishing touches on the life-sized Cleopatra that is due tomorrow. I did have enough time at some point today to finish my Blogger Insider questions, courtesy of the fabulous and interesting Skattieboy.

1) What's you favorite tabloid? And favorite tabloid headline, too, please.

Generally, I don't read tabloids. But I do admit that when standing on line at the grocery store, I get a slight thrill out of reading the headlines. Weekly World News is the most entertaining. My favorite headline: Missing Baby Found Alive Inside Watermelon!

the rest of the questions are this way ---->

2) If you could remake Times Square in your own image (not Disney's), what would it look like?

There would be two sections. One full of porn shops, adult bookstores, and sleazy movie theaters. There would be a special spot set aside for hookers. On this side would also be all the 3-card monte games and vendors selling fake watches. The other side would be one big, giant video arcade. There would be no MTV or theme restaurants.

3) Please relate to your humble readers the most influential experience you had in the American

eucational system.

It wasn't my own education that was influential, but my daughter's. Learning how to work your way through the maze of special education and in the process becoming a parent-advocate has surely influenced not only the way I view public school education as a whole, but has helped me become my children's best teacher. I learned the following lessons.

a. never leave it up to the school sytem alone to educate your child

b. if you don't speak up for your child, absolutely no one will, not even the teachers

c. arm yourself with a complete working knowledge of your school district and it's policies

d. never, ever put pressure on your child to perform better than they are honestly capable of.

e. expect your child's teacher to do the same.

4) Pretend you're George Steinbrenner for a day. How would alter the destiny of the New York Yankees, if money was no barrier to you.

The funny thing about sports is that no matter how much money you have, it will do you no good if there are no decent players available to you. If the free-agent market sucks, your money is useless. I doubt the Diamondbacks management would even entertain my offer of 10 million dollars straight up for Curt Schilling. Besides, the first thing I would do as Steinbrenner would be to get rid of that psychotic, selfish time bomb Roger Clemens. Then I would set up a rule where Joe Torre is fined $5,000 for every time he leaves a pitcher in too long.

5) In your opinion, what's the most overrated Coen Brothers movie? Conversely, what's the most


The most overrated is Fargo. I can't sit through that whole movie, it just grates on my nerves after a while. The most underrated is Raising Arizona. I think a lot of people viewed it as just another "caper comedy" but I think it is pure comic genius. (note, I was about to say "Blood Simple" but it wasn't underrated at all, just underviewed).

6) What's the ideal number of cosmetic products a man should possess, and what would they be?

I believe a man should take care of himself. In the morning if his face is a little puffy, he should put on an icepack while doing his stomach crunches; he should be able to do a thousand. After he removes the ice pack, he should use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower, he should use a water-activated gel cleanser. Then a honey-almond body scrub. And on the face, an exfoliating gel scrub. Then he should apply an herb mint facial masque, which he should leave on for ten minutes while he prepares the rest of his routine. He should always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer. Then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protecting lotion.

7) If you were in charge of Saturday morning programming, what would the lineup look like (you can bring back any television series, by the way)?

I call this One LONG Saturday Morning

Invader Zim

Sponge Bob Square Pants

Ren and Stimpy

Beavis and Butthead

Brothers Grunt


Justice League

H.R. Pufnstuf

Pee Wee's Playhouse

Ninja Turtles

Space Ghost Coast to Coast

Cowboy Be-Bop

Groovie Ghoulies



Zoom (the 70's version)

Darkwing Duck


Fraggle Rock

The Muppet Show

Davey & Goliath

You Can't Do That on Television

Voltron, Defender of the Universe

Angry Beavers


Pinky and the Brain

Eek! The Cat

Might Morphin Power Rangers (1st Season only)

Powerpuff Girls


Magilla Gorilla Show

Wacky Races


8) Favorite "Simpsons" line (bonus points awarded for obscurity).

"Homer Simpson, smiling politely"

9) Where does the title of your blog come from?

I'm confused, as are others, as to what the title actually is. So let's just say there are two. A Fire Inside came about because I was listening to AFI's The Art of Drowning almost obessively at the time. And I thought the phrase A Fire Inside was perfect, because basically that's what the blog is. Externalizing my fire inside. A Small Victory is my favorite Faith No More song and probably my favorite song ever. The lyrics are very meaningful to me, regarding a certain point in my life, and I view ever day I get through as a small victory.

10) What's your cold medication of choice and why?

NyQuil: Capital N, small y, big fucking Q! NyQuil NyQuil NyQuil, we love you, you giant fucking Q!"

11) Name the winner in this contest: Muhammad Ali's current coherence, John Ashcroft's conscience, Julia Roberts' acting ability, or Michael Jackson's self-respect?

Trick question. None of those things actually exist.

12) What's the most disturbing thing you've ever seen?

Standing outside the building I work in on September 11, 2001 and watching as the skies above New York City fill with smoke.

13) Pretend that you're the kind of person who likes to get up early to run. What would be the ideal

location for you to do so and why?

I would run through my own neighborhood. I love the way it looks and sounds early in the morning. I would like to enjoy the tranquility and peacefulness before it is broken by the sounds of daily life.

14) What are your rules for tipping waitstaff?

For the most part, I am a 20% or above tipper. As a former waitress and restuarant manager, I know when to blame the waitress and when to blame the kitchen staff for any problems with my meal. If my service is rude or inattentive, I start subtracting from the tip. However, I have never ever completely stiffed a waitress/waiter as much as I would have liked to. I just don't have the heart, no matter how bad the service was. Besides, I find a cheap tip leaves a better message than no tip at all.


Michele, you rule. But you knew that already.

geez, ya got Eek! the Cat on there, but no Tick? sacreliege!

no duckman, no king of the hill? no the oblongs or southpark or quads?

oh well..

btw, you do realise you sounded like patrick bateman when talking about mens cosmetics..beotch, i ain't gonna fuck wit you!

Definitely fabulous answers to dopey questions. But I have to go with Mikey in wondering why "The Tick" wasn't listed... Also, no Saturday morning would be complete for me without the original "Speed Racer" and "The Herculoids"...

I am totally remiss in leaving off "The Tick" as well as "The Critic." I thought about Speed Racer, too, but for some reason didn't include it.

i would bring back the gummi bears and turbo teen.

"my ear hurts. my neck hurts. i have 2 owies." and "my cats breath smells like cat food" and "ahh, denver?!?"

oh, yeah. this is not a tabloid. it's the actual local paper:

Hairwashing Turns Tragic

A spectre is haunting the world - the spectre of communism. by wsop