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low maintenance resolutions for everyone!

low maintenance resolutions for everyone!


Take the What Should Your New Year's Resolution Be? Quiz


Does this mean I have to find friends that make me feel inferior? Isn't that what family is for?

On that note, I have compiled the Generic List of New Year's Resolutions Guaranteed to Not Make you Feel Like A Total Failure in 2002. If you pick a few items off this list and make them your resolutions, I promise they will be easy to follow through on and you won't have to beat yourself up for not keeping your promises to yourself. This is in keeping with my rule of life: Lower one's expectations and you are never disappointed. This applies to yourself as well. Happy resolving!

    I hereby resolve to:

  • have my weight fluctuate wildly, never really losing more than one pound total

  • spend as many hours as I can in front of the computer playing mindless games

  • spend a good portion of my money on cds/video games/computer equipment/movies

  • continue on with at least one of my vices

  • not kill/maim/cause grave bodily harm to a complete stranger who has done nothing wrong

  • make fun of a celebrity

  • watch as much television as possible

  • lay around the house often, preferably in pajamas, with a beer in my hand

  • ignore the surgeon general's warnings on any food or drink product

  • talk about my co-workers behind their backs

  • steal office supplies

  • complain, loud and often, about everything and nothing

  • have wild, spontaneous sex (this counts even if you do it with yourself)

  • deny my addiction to porn

  • take as many online quizzes as possible

  • blog at least once a day

  • at least once, hint that i may take a blogging hiatus

  • have a birthday

  • not run for president of the United States

  • not dance naked on home plate at Yankee Stadium

  • eat foods full of saturated fat and calories

Now, how easy is it going to be to keep your promises this year? Pick one or two, write them down in your journal, and six months from now look at the journal and be excited for yourself that for once, you are keeping your resolutions.

Just another public service from yours truly.

Posted by on December 29, 2001 07:40 AM |

Comments

ummm.

You ROCK!

but we already knew that. :-)

I'm printing that out and putting it up on our fridge!

Posted by: erika | December 29, 2001 07:44 AM

I am totally with you. My one and only resolution this year is to go through hours of painful labor. I can't fail!

Posted by: melly | December 29, 2001 08:50 PM

I see the error of my ways now. Here I was hoping that in 2002 I could be a nicer, more patient, less judgmental person. What a relief! to finally recognize what a waste that is. Instead, for 2002 I just hope I can (at least once) pass judgment on someone--anyone. I cannot fail.

Posted by: jadedju | December 29, 2001 09:14 PM

Oh girl, you crack me up. Now these are some resolutions I can keep. Oh yeah.

Posted by: Lee | December 30, 2001 07:34 AM

yo beotch - as is you ain't gonna be cracking some road kill in a tie and suit the moment you have to drive into work...no grevious bodily harm my black ass!

Posted by: g | December 30, 2001 07:51 AM

G, I said to people who don't deserve it.

Posted by: michele | December 30, 2001 08:03 AM

you know i realised that about 3 seconds after...i scrolled up and saw the fine print....doh!

Posted by: g | December 30, 2001 07:44 PM

Those are GREAT!!! Absolutely PERFECT!!! (I am actually trying to make real resolutions ... but some of these are going on my list too!)

Posted by: Christine | December 31, 2001 02:45 PM

My husband very sweetly suggested that I might make a resolution to be more patient (after a third trip to see his family, who are 350miles away, in order to spend lots of money and time fixing their too many computers). I took the same test as you and, lo, got the above results, which make much more sense to me: do not hang around with Losers.

And to not be so giving to undeserving spoiled people who take me for granted. Yes, I hereby resolve to suffer not loathesome fools.

And to continue counting to ten, but having sanction to spit at people who interrupt when I'm only at 7.

Posted by: Jessica | December 31, 2001 08:12 PM

You know I'm all about spitting.

Posted by: michele | December 31, 2001 08:49 PM

Hi!

I added a comment earlier LAST year - OMG .. is it/ it IS that time again!

As a 'grannie' have lots of resolutions unresolved .... Lots of "promises" still to keep .... Lots of things I want for ME!!!

My resolutions are:

1.My husband (David) is the nicest man on this earth. I want to 'live up to him'. Since I can never do this:

Wanted to move (too complex to discuss here) - ?? thinking about this, but probably will decide to stay put)

2. For MYSELF:

i. Try to accomplish the many goals I had as a youngster, some not now viable.

ii. DO NOT regret these lost goals - they represent aspiriations which can be changed..... according to circumstances.

iii. - should be to give up certain things - but - why the heck should I (OK - cant afford them ......)

iv. No 1. Daughter sometimes puts pressure on me to ...... ..... ....

RESIST - I do!

Then:

1

Posted by: ann | January 1, 2002 02:13 PM

H.E.L.P. !!! Lost it then - see how old + grey I am .....

See how the 'greymatter' is getting whiter by the moment?

Anyway, All the Very Best to anyone who looks at your site ++ to all your real friends.

A.

Posted by: ann | January 1, 2002 02:15 PM

Hello, have fun with easy blogging!

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