A Small Victory

where is my mind?

I'm in a terrible rut here. Once again I was up at 3:30 a.m. On a Saturday. I was plagued by psychologically disturbing dreams last night and I had one of those moments - half awake-half asleep - when I could swear the person talking to me in my dreams was talking to me in real life. So was the person/entity in my dreams and talking to me there and I just thought I was awake, or was the person/entity really there and I thought I was dreaming?

I have become delirious. Lack of sleep, waking up before the birds, the crushing stress of Christmas - they have all combined to make me out of my mind. Yesterday at work, we (another secretary and I) were walking around with Krispy Kreme hats on and flashing the IT guy so he would re install internet access on our computers. We discovered, sadly, that bribes begin with blow-jobs, not flashes of white lace bras.

On the way home from work yesterday, I started hallucinating. I thought the garbage can on the side of the road was Santa. A kid on a bicycle looked suspiciously like Frodo. And then I thought the cop who pulled up beside me on his motorcycle was emitting laser beams from his eyes.

So today, still reeling from sleep deprivation I have a full schedule. I am meeting some old friends from back in Natalie's mommy and me days for breakfast. I don't want to go but I promised my one real remaining friend from those days that I would. These are women who, unlike me, are a) still happily married b) do not have jobs outside the home c) have additional children much younger than mine and d) like their conversations to revolve strictly around the consistency of their baby's poo and whether or not wine is appropriate to serve at the PTA luncheon. Don't get me wrong, I do the PTA and class mom stuff, I just don't want to spend all my time talking about. And I certainly don't want to sit there listening to them talk on and on about their wonderful lives and perfect little worlds while they look at me in my oversized sweatshirt that has flames shooting down the sleeves and my cigarettes and penchant for spending all my money on video games and comic books and my 22 year old live in boyfriend and well....you see where I'm going with this. When I am overtired I have a tendency to get giggly. I'll end up having uncontrollable fits of laughter at some really inappropriate time and I will be forever shunned from the world of proper mommy-hood.

Justin's dad sent him a Christmas present yesterday. 500 dollars. Yes, that's right, 500 dollars. Guess who is taking me shopping today? He decided that because he felt guilty taking that much money from his dad, he wouldn't spend any on himself. He wants to spend 300 on me and 200 on the kids. It's ok though, because whatever he buys for me will end up being for him. He already started hypnotizing me in the middle of the night..."You waaaaaaant the X-Box.......You waaaaaant a 3-D card..." I'll let him think he has mad hypnotism skills and I'll walk around the mall in a zombie like trance, pointing at video game stores and eating fellow shoppers for lunch.

I've lost my mind.