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I got your christmas cheer right here....

I got your christmas cheer right here....

It's Wednesday, it's Friday, it's a pre-holiday, and it's D-Day. While this day is not noted on the calendar as any kind of special day, trust me. It is. Today marks the end of the year in a lot of ways. Because from this day forward, the rest of the year slips into the dark abyss of the holidays. Once you are finished stuffing yourself silly and watching football tomorrow, once the dishes are done and you lay back on that couch and watch your waist expand and wonder what the hell you are going to do with all the leftovers, that's it. As soon as you let that half-contented, half-exhausted sigh out at the end of Thanksgiving, you open the door to the gates of hell.

I don't care if you don't celebrate Christmas. It's something that takes over, whether you believe in Santa or Jesus or not. The air is different, the mood shifts, the stench of commercialism singes your nostrils. While other people see holiday cheer, I see the black plague. I see money flying out of my wallet as if it has grown wings. I see my kids staring at the television, mesmerized by commercials for things they must have. I see people fighting in the aisles over action figures and video games. Everyone is in a rush, everyone needs that parking space even though you were turning into it first, everyone needs to go through that red light or stop sign because they have to get to the sale at Wal-Mart and get that bicycle at 5 dollars off before you do. I see the anti-christ herself, Martha Stewart, making me feel like my presents aren't wrapped prettily enough and my cookies are laughable and why haven't I made a gingerbread house decorated with homemade candy yet? I hear my neighbor screaming at his wife while she harangues him about hanging up the Christmas lights, even though he just took down last year's decorations in August. I see incredibly rude salespeople and even ruder customers and my UPS guy looks like he needs heroin by the middle of December. Oh yea, it's in the air and it all starts Friday.

I do not go out on Black Friday. I do not leave my house. I don't go to work, I don't even go to the store for a loaf of bread. I send my kids out to play in the yard if they want, they can even have friends over. But I refuse to be a part of the madness that takes over the parkways and highways on the day after Thanksgiving. I refuse to be part of the evil that turns every main street into a parking lot. I refuse to get to Toys-R-Us at 6am to wait on line for their Christmas sale. I refuse to navigate the hellhouse that is the mall on that day. Why? Why would anyone in their right mind even bother going to a mall on the busiest shopping day of the year? Why would you subject yourself to that? Are you some kind of sadist?

I have started compiling my annual list of anti-Christmas songs. If you know of one, please let me know. It makes for great background music while I'm shopping on line, laughing maniacally at those of you who still brave the angry, bitter mobs of the mall minions. Oh yes, I will still decorate, I will still celebrate, I will still sing a Christmas song or two. But hidden somewhere on my tree is an ornament that is really a Martha Stewart voodoo doll. And Santa, for me, comes in a big brown truck once or twice a week and leaves packages on the door step.

The countdown to Christmas starts now. Let's see how many days it takes before I have a complete Christmas breakdown. Stay tuned.

Comments

Hey, it could be worse. Up here, they start in immediately after Thanksgiving too - but our thanksgiving is in October.

Christmas decorations and carols and consumer reminders begin before Halloween!

Anti-Christmas songs? My favorite is one I haven't been able to track down since I heard it in the eighties. I think it's by the Clash. The song goes:

Father Christmas

Give us some money

Give us some money or we're making some noise

... and better lyrics that I can't recall but which had me howling on the floor. I believe it's about mugging a streetcorner santa.

Ooooh I love your standing on the holidays! In many ways I feel exactly the same way. It has all just gotten too commercial. I just hate that. I love the decorations, the occasional Christmas tune, and all that but the shopping, the traffic, the crowds of pushy people... that all needs to go!

I recommend the great band Notre Dame's EP 'Nightmare Before Christmas'. Besides the general holiday theme, the song 'A Scrooge Tale' works pretty well on those holiday blues.

http://www.notredame.just.nu/

Can I get a witness here? I'm afraid of the drunken Santa's. I know they are going to kill me.

The Holidays are evil incarnate. Nothing depresses me more. Thank gods for shopping online. How about the evil Salvation Army bell-ringers? You know, they started that nonsense last weekend in my neck of the woods. And, it's the first year I've seen Christmas decorations go up THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN! Let's cancel the whole damn thing.

I finally found a Christmas song I like: "The Christians and the Pagans" by Dar Williams. It's not anti-Christmas, but it's good.

We stop going to CostCo from Thanksgiving through the New Year. It's just too insane. And we stay away from most malls, too. So we do our shopping via catalogs or the web.

And Bill, I'm pretty sure that song you mentioned is by the Kinks... or at least one of the Davies boys.

Totally agree... I don't know what I would do without on-line shopping or catalogs during the holiday season (my order at Amazon has already been placed).

I think because I do avoid the malls and the crowds though, I have managed to avoid hating Christmas yet...

Ah, that would explain why I was never able to find it. Thanks for the tip!

Yup! Many thanks, John! A quick hop over to Google and a search for kinks + "father christmas" brought me to the lyrics in two clicks:

When I was small I believed in Santa Clause

Though I knew it was my dad

And I would hang up my stocking at Christmas

Open my presents and I'd be glad

But the last time I played Father Christmas

I stood outside a department store

A gang of kids came over and mugged me

And knocked my reindeer to the floor

They said:

"Father Christmas, give us some money

Don't mess around with those silly toys.

We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over

We want your bread so don't make us annoyed

Give all the toys to the little rich boys

"Don't give my brother a real trashy outfit

Don't give my sister a cuddly toy

We don't want a jigsaw or monopoly money

We only want the real McCoy

"Father Christmas, give us some money

We'll beat you up if you make us annoyed

Father Christmas, give us some money

Don't mess around with those silly toys

"But give my daddy a job 'cause he needs one

He's got lots of mouths to feed

But if you've got one, I'll have a machine gun

So I can scare all the kids down the street

"Father Christmas, give us some money

We got no time for your silly toys

We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over

Give all the toys to the little rich boys

Have yourself a merry merry Christmas

Have yourself a good time

But remember the kids who got nothin'

While you're drinkin' down your wine

"Father Christmas, give us some money

We got no time for your silly toys

We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over

We want your bread, so don't make us annoyed

"Father Christmas, give us some money

We got no time for your silly toys

We'll beat you up if you don't hand it over

Give all the toys to the little rich boys

Thanks again.

I don't know if these class as anit-christmas or not, but I just love Christmas at Ground Zero and The Night Santa Went Crazy by Weird Al ;) And my other half is hollering Tom Leher's God Rest Ye Merry Merchant Men. So there ya have it.

new found glory- ex-miss
blink 182- its christmas time again

i hate this holiday :)