A Small Victory: I got your christmas cheer right here....

I got your christmas cheer right here....

It's Wednesday, it's Friday, it's a pre-holiday, and it's D-Day. While this day is not noted on the calendar as any kind of special day, trust me. It is. Today marks the end of the year in a lot of ways. Because from this day forward, the rest of the year slips into the dark abyss of the holidays. Once you are finished stuffing yourself silly and watching football tomorrow, once the dishes are done and you lay back on that couch and watch your waist expand and wonder what the hell you are going to do with all the leftovers, that's it. As soon as you let that half-contented, half-exhausted sigh out at the end of Thanksgiving, you open the door to the gates of hell.

I don't care if you don't celebrate Christmas. It's something that takes over, whether you believe in Santa or Jesus or not. The air is different, the mood shifts, the stench of commercialism singes your nostrils. While other people see holiday cheer, I see the black plague. I see money flying out of my wallet as if it has grown wings. I see my kids staring at the television, mesmerized by commercials for things they must have. I see people fighting in the aisles over action figures and video games. Everyone is in a rush, everyone needs that parking space even though you were turning into it first, everyone needs to go through that red light or stop sign because they have to get to the sale at Wal-Mart and get that bicycle at 5 dollars off before you do. I see the anti-christ herself, Martha Stewart, making me feel like my presents aren't wrapped prettily enough and my cookies are laughable and why haven't I made a gingerbread house decorated with homemade candy yet? I hear my neighbor screaming at his wife while she harangues him about hanging up the Christmas lights, even though he just took down last year's decorations in August. I see incredibly rude salespeople and even ruder customers and my UPS guy looks like he needs heroin by the middle of December. Oh yea, it's in the air and it all starts Friday.

I do not go out on Black Friday. I do not leave my house. I don't go to work, I don't even go to the store for a loaf of bread. I send my kids out to play in the yard if they want, they can even have friends over. But I refuse to be a part of the madness that takes over the parkways and highways on the day after Thanksgiving. I refuse to be part of the evil that turns every main street into a parking lot. I refuse to get to Toys-R-Us at 6am to wait on line for their Christmas sale. I refuse to navigate the hellhouse that is the mall on that day. Why? Why would anyone in their right mind even bother going to a mall on the busiest shopping day of the year? Why would you subject yourself to that? Are you some kind of sadist?

I have started compiling my annual list of anti-Christmas songs. If you know of one, please let me know. It makes for great background music while I'm shopping on line, laughing maniacally at those of you who still brave the angry, bitter mobs of the mall minions. Oh yes, I will still decorate, I will still celebrate, I will still sing a Christmas song or two. But hidden somewhere on my tree is an ornament that is really a Martha Stewart voodoo doll. And Santa, for me, comes in a big brown truck once or twice a week and leaves packages on the door step.

The countdown to Christmas starts now. Let's see how many days it takes before I have a complete Christmas breakdown. Stay tuned.

A Small Victory

I got your christmas cheer right here....

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