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Cable Guys

Cable Guys

The cable guy(s) came today. But before I get to how I love my new digital cable so much that I would have sex with it, I need to talk about the cable guys.

Usually there is one cable guy. He comes, he bitches and moans about how many wires are running through my house, does his job and leaves without so much as a good-bye. So tonight, the requisite one cable guy shows up. He was this happy, peppy young man with a smile so big and wide I thought he had been smoking something. He comes in, looks around, mumbles about my wires and cracks some really bad jokes. He laughs at his own jokes. He asks me for a drink, uses my bathroom and then proceeds to talk on his two-way for a bit. He says a cable guy buddy of his just got done with a job and is going to come over and help him.

Twenty minutes later, there are four cable guys sitting in the living room with us. It's their after-work party, I guess, and I offer to order some pizza while they hook up my digital cable. I was sort of joking. So we sit, we talk about the Packers and the Giants and Windows XP and how much MTV sucks. We trade stupid kid trick stories, and all the while they are working to get my cable going.

The box is finally hooked up, they explain how to work the keyboard and remote, how many channels I get, etc. They clean up, but they don't leave. They stayed another half hour, as if they were old friends and we were having them over for drinks. I had visions of some bizarre houseguest invasion, the cable guys who would never leave. I wanted them out so I could play with my new digital cable!

Finally, they leave. Justin and I are alone with the majestic, orgasmic, beautiful digital cable box. I can now:

  • Watch any episode of Oz, Arli$$, Six Feet Under and Band of Brothers I want, whenever I want

  • Pause, fast forward and rewind those episodes

  • Pick and choose from about 300 movies I can watch on demand, for free

  • Listen to my choice of 50 specialized radio channels. The metal channel plays real metal, not Linkin Park

  • Watch a hockey game with 6 different camera angles to choose from, including the Lindros cam

  • Get more channels, including ESPN Classic, Biography, Discovery Kids and Toon Disney, which I am hoping shows reruns of Darkwing Duck

  • Get more public access channels. You can never have enough public access channels. They are always unintentionally funny.

Right now I am watching a Pennywise concert that was on HBO a while ago, but I missed. Between the computer and the tv, I may never leave the living room. Not that I did, anyhow. I'm gonna go get ready to turn on my Lindros cam.


Will we ever see you again?

That cable guy story is vaguely disturbing. It sounds almost like something Godard might have shot. Or a Kids in the Hall sketch.

Well, damn.

I took a day off work to get Cable installed. Two guys showed up and whistled when they saw the house. Then they whistled when they saw the TV, "how much was that then?" I told them. They whistled again. "and the computer?" I told them what it was worth instead of what was paid. They whistled again. "Any chance of a cuppa?"

They seemed insulted when I explained I knew how to work the thing, I just wanted the remote thanks. When they'd gone I kneeled down and prayed to MTV.

That story is eerily similar to when Robyn and I had DirecTV installed. By the way, once they are done and show you all the features, you will do something similar to the hapless folks in the commercials. They installer and his wife (a very nice couple who sat and chatted with us for a while and showed us all the features - just like yours) weren't up for a hug, so I just did the happy dance for them. Hundreds and hundreds of channels, plus like 25 FOX Sports Net stations. I cried like a schoolgirl, I was so happy. DirecTV also has a Tivo box they sell. I might have lost my entire soul by then. Yeah, I am TV's bitch.

Congratulations! Isn't digi-cable wonderful?

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