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Enhancing your church experience

Enhancing your church experience

Before the wedding reception, there was the wedding ceremony. At church, of course. Now, don't worry, the church didn't spontaneously combust when I walked to it, and I didn't fall to the ground writhing in pain. I was going to blog this whole thing about how I was forced to take communion when my born-again-catholic sister dragged me out of the pew and hissed at me to get in line, and how I felt guilty about eating the cardboard wafer, but not sure who I was directing that guilt towards, and and horribly ritualistic and mind numbing church is. Which leads me to what I finally decided to blog about rather than get all in a huff writing about my sister.

The catholic church is a bit stodgy. The churches are stuffy and gaudy and filled with images of a half bleeding dead guy nailed to a cross. One doesn't get that "feel good" kind of vibe when entering a church. I think you should. So I spent most of the latter part of the ceremony thinking of ways that the catholics could draw more people into church, and make them feel welcome and happy and glad to be there.

My Suggestions For Improving the Catholic Church Experience:

  • Cushions for the pews

  • Refreshments served intermitently in return for your gracious donation. Water and fruit will do. Nothing that crunches too loud

  • The priest should sporadically interrupt mass to announce the football scores

  • Let the young kids come up to the altar to give "shouts out" to their homies

  • Have an opening and closing theme song. Something catchy, maybe a little free style rapping going on.

  • Mass should open with one of the altar boys shouting out "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK AND ROOOLLLLLL??"

  • The priest should have a catch phrase that everyone can say along with him. Like, "Jesus Christ on a Pogo Stick!" and then he can hop around on a pogo stick when he says it. That should get people laughing and feeling good.

  • Offer flavored communion wafers. Bubble gum, Strawberry, Pina Coloda and Root Beer

  • Right after the homily and before the breaking of the bread, have the altar boys come out and do a choreographed dance routine. For the girlies.

  • Put the day's readings in graphic novel form

  • Give out tokens to each worshipper that shows up. When you get ten tokens, you get a Sunday off from church

  • Replace Jesus with Easter Bunny

  • Give out door prizes. First ten worshippers in the door get free jar of holy water

Any suggestions?


How could I forget Buddy Christ? I have one! I was going to do this photoessay thing of Buddy Christ posed in odd places.

I am so down with the tokens. Wish they had that when I was a kid.

I thought they already gave out door prizes: isn't it called the 50/50 raffle? Or is that just at my former church?

Holy water comes in jars? We get ours delivered in little miniatures bottles every Sunday morning, like airline vodka.

How about Holy Scratch Cards? This bingo stuff is for old ladies. If the Church wants to rely on gambling, they need to get with it. Scratch 'n' match. Match Two Saints, and you get 10% of the week's collection take.

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