I think when I wrote the post below, I knew. I knew at that moment, like I've known all along, that he would never leave and I would never ask him to. There's too much good between us to make those instances of doubt anything but what they are: two people with the same personality trying to get the other to listen.
What happens when two people with the same emotional qualities get into a tight spot is that no give and take happens. We both give or we both take. We both react to each other's words the same way. Neither wants to give in, neither wants to let up. We are really fighting with an extension of ourselves. When he speaks, I hear my own feelings coming out of his mouth and sometimes it scares me when he articulates my own fears.
It amounts to stress and outside forces making small swells in the ocean appear to be tidal waves. We duck and run for cover and even when the wave disipates, we still insist it was bigger than it was. We get stuck in a moment. This time the moment lasted longer than usual. There was no quick resolution, no frantic hug, no apologies being thrown about by both of us. It threw us off balance and we reacted to that.
When I went back and read what I wrote in the previous post, I realized I would never accept that. I would never accept that fate so blindly and without a fight. What I didn't know was that he read it too, and had the same reaction. So we talked about it.
We do have some issues to work out. But we decided that whatever issues there are, we will face them and deal with them. We have too much invested in each other, too much of our hearts given out, to just drop everything and run when the going gets rough. When I asked myself that age old question, "would I be better off with or without him?" my mind wouldn't even accept the without him idea.
In a way, today was a good thing. We were able to talk about things that we always pushed under our plates. Some of the things made me sad and some made me sorry but in the end it makes us better.
I've never really written about our relationship on this blog. This is probably the most personal post I have ever published, and as such it is not polished or edited or reviewed for clarity. It's just me talking. I feel kind of strange, opening an intimate part of my life to people like this. But I started this blog as a way to express myself. I feel like most of you are friends, and when I write here about something like this, I'm just talking to my friends. So thank you. Thanks for listening and thanks for being a friend when I need one.