smashing pumpkins
smashing pumpkins
Dear local teenagers,
As we approach the dawn of another Halloween, I would like to take this moment to have a word with you. I will say this once, and only once, and there will be no second chances. Not this year.
If any one of you so much as looks at my pumpkins in a way other than admiration, I will pick your eyes out with a spork.
If any of you dare approach those pumpkins, or my scarecrow, with theft and/or smashing in mind, I will chase you down the street and slice your hands off with a butter knife.
If you have the balls to actually cross my property and touch my festive lawn decorations, I will slice your dick off with a razor blade and feed it to the rather large dog next door.
If I find one ounce of shaving cream, whipped cream, or other cream-like substance on my car in the morning, I will hunt you down and make you lick it off until the car looks like new.
Do not doubt me. Do not make me act upon my words. Just walk on by the house and don't even look.
Thank you.
Comments
Your a cruel woman. How many pumpkins did you smash as a child? How many houses did you toilet paper? How many cars did you cream? These are rights of adolescence that you have no right standing in the way of. You once took the test, and hopefully smashed a few pumpkins. If not I would think you to be a frigid teenager.
Posted by: EdgartheBent | October 30, 2001 08:14 PM
I never smashed a single pumpkin in my life. We had a general rule as kids that we didn't destroy things that belonged to little kids. And who you calling frigid? Did I go to high school with you? Who told you?
Posted by: michele | October 30, 2001 08:22 PM
and despite all my rage, i am still just a blog in a cage.
Posted by: g | October 30, 2001 09:23 PM
OK Mom, I promise we'll be good!
Posted by: Charles | October 30, 2001 10:17 PM
It wasn't me!~ I swear! All I had was a little pot. Jenny was whacked on crank and went on the pumpkin smashing binge. I tried to stop her, but you know how Jenny is when she gets her crystal . . .takes out her rage on all the Martha Stewart wannabes down in the 'burbs,
Posted by: Charles | October 30, 2001 10:19 PM
haha! spork!
Posted by: shel | October 30, 2001 11:35 PM
I'm your muscle for hire in case you need backup with those jack-o-lantern abusers. (Especially since I have no pumpkins of my own to guard.)
Posted by: Fredo | October 31, 2001 11:11 AM
Heh, you said Smashing Pumpkins.
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